Finding Faith Through The Sorrow

Hi all! It's been a little while since I've last updated my blog. As you all know from my last post, things have been pretty crazy and stressful. I was so sick til about 9-10 weeks pregnant. I truly thought I wasn't going to make it. Again. This was by the far the worst I had ever felt. And during that time, all I could do was pray and pray. I needed comfort and guidance. Slowly, I started getting a little better and was able to get out of bed and do some things on my own. Thankfully, I didn't have morning sickness on top of everything else that was going on. And I am eternally grateful for that, because there was no way I could've done that with everything else.

Since then, I've still had some really rough days. Days where I'm in bed all day dealing with dumb Lyme issues. And the breakdowns continue. They don't occur as often anymore, but they definitely still happen. As hard as days get and as much as I may cry sometimes, I still rely on the Lord and my faith in Him. I don't think a day has gone by since I've gotten pregnant where I haven't prayed to Heavenly Father. And I've now just realized this while typing. In my mind, pregnancy was not something I was ready for physically. Of course emotionally and mentally that's all I wanted. I wanted to be normal and be able to conceive a child with my amazing husband. When it happened, I was in shock. And I think I still am some days. But I knew that the Lord knew what He was doing regardless of how much suffering I was and still am going through. That day I found out, I had prayed so hard for a miracle to get better because I didn't want to die. I told Him I was putting all my faith in Him and needed a miracle so badly. When that positive sign showed up on my test, I knew in my heart, this was a miracle. I literally just witnessed a miracle. I know I've mentioned that in my last post, but every time I talk about it, I just feel the Spirit so strongly and know that Heavenly Father knows each of us so well. He knows us better than we know ourselves and knows what we are capable of overcoming and withstanding in this world. Even if that means we have to climb insanely steep mountains, suffer tremendously, or go through moments of uncertainty. Which is everything I've gone through. He is there along side us the whole entire time, even when we feel alone. And sometimes we need to feel that small moment of being alone. Just like our Savior felt when he was being crucified. He felt alone too. Just like we do during difficult times.

Every single day is unpredictable. I wake up and try to be as positive as I can. I tell myself I feel good and have the strength and energy to get up today. I have to do this throughout the day to keep me going when I feel like I can't. I turn to Heavenly Father many times during the day. I am constantly praying and reading to seek comfort and guidance. There are still days I want to quit and give up, but every time I think about this miracle growing inside of me, I think, "How can I give up?" I have everything to be fighting for. Not only this miracle baby, but my amazing husband. My family. I know that one day there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. I know this baby has been brought to us during this time for a reason. I know God has heard my prayers, even if it feels they haven't been answered. I know through the pain and sorrow there are blessings. I know my faith has constantly been tested over the last 2 years, and more now than ever, but I know there are big blessings in store. I have days where my faith has been at it's lowest, hanging by less than a thread, but I still keep praying and searching. I have everything to look forward to and have a wonderful family that will be started soon. I have to rely on Heavenly Father to make it through. Each day is a test of faith and will continue to be. It will also continue to strengthen me and shape me into the person that our Heavenly Father has sent me here to be.

I've been reading a lot about faith recently and the other day I came across an ensign article "A Time for Faith, Not Fear". I knew I had read it before, but felt so strongly that I needed to read it again. So I did. I was reading and then just started skimming through. Which is when I came across this - "Faith is a principle of action. The answers to prayer and the solutions to our problems generally come as we act, not while we are on our knees praying." Read that again. And just let that sink it. At first I thought, "How can I act when I am not physically able to do much at all??" "How is that fair?" Then it hit me... I've been sitting/lying here every day praying to Heavenly Father for answers and guidance. And I've been reading. I haven't really been "acting". I've kind of given up hope on Dr.'s, people, basically everything. I realized that I have to not only have faith in God, but I have to have faith in everyone and everything around me. I have to be proactive. I have to ACT. Whether this means do more research or reading or whatever, I have to keep acting and looking for the answers. They don't always come during a prayer. And That has disappointed me many times. It's left me feeling sad and impatient not knowing what to do. After reading this article I knew I had to do more and I can't expect an answer every single time I pray for one. I think we all get impatient at times and we want answers right then and there. We need to learn to trust, to have faith, to act. Facing the trials we do, builds faith and confidence. We grow more than we ever thought possible. And we learn to have faith in ourselves. Trusting God means trusting ourselves as well. Being a pregnant person with a chronic disease will not stop me, even on days when I feel like it will, because I have faith. And I know this experience will only continue to make me a better person and grow to become something more than I ever thought possible.

I hope each of you who read this will receive light and hope. I hope you will be inspired to ACT. Never give up because there is always one being on your side, God.


Love to all,

Nicole <3

Pregnancy, Lyme & Miracles

A lot of things have happened since my last post 3 months ago. Shortly after my last post, I got extremely sick. My husband had to go out of town for work so I was staying with my cousin for a couple nights, then she we were going to Idaho and she was going to drop me off at my moms. I was so sick. I couldn't sleep at night because every time I would doze off, I'd wake up immediately with my heart racing and pounding super hard. I had these horrible sensations in my head that I can't even explain very well. Almost like all the blood in my head dropped completely. Then I started getting a severe pain in the right side of my head. Typically I can find ways to help my headaches, migraines or whatever. But not this time. The pain was so sharp and I felt like I was being stabbed in the head over and over. I ended up back in the ER. They wanted to do a CT scan just to make sure there wasn't anything serious causing the pain. I didn't want any meds because I had already been in the ER not long before and I absolutely hate meds. Well they gave them to me anyways and I just had a really bad feeling before. Right after they gave me the meds, my body freaked out. It was one of the worst feelings I've ever had in my life. My heart wouldn't stop racing, my body wouldn't stop shaking and moving, I couldn't breathe well and I just wanted to die. They said it was "normal"... Which it wasn't. I was so out of it the rest of the day/night. I couldn't eat anything because every time I tried, I'd start gagging and want to throw up. Anyways, my cousin's husband and neighbor gave me a blessing that night. The next day I woke up and was feeling somewhat better. My body still felt awful from the meds and it made me feel extremely anxious. I kept getting nauseous the whole way to my moms. I just kept praying in my head that I would be okay on the drive to Idaho and it would go by fast. Luckily I got to my moms without having any major issues. I figured I'd feel better after lying down and getting rest. Well, turns out I just kept getting worse. Every time I'd try to sleep, those awful feelings in my head would hit and my heart would go crazy. This would happen all night long and I'd wake up multiple times. I'd wake up super sick to my stomach each time as well. Each day just kept getting worse. I was so weak, I had no appetite, my head felt so horrible (and no, not just like a headache.. it's very hard to explain the feeling), my sister had to help me get up to go the bathroom, help change my clothes, etc. She helped me outside a couple days to try and get some fresh air and sunshine. It was either the second or third day she took me outside, I got very sick. As I stood up for her to help me back in the house, I knew something was very wrong. My heart was pounding so hard it was making it difficult to breathe. We got inside and I knew I had to go back to the hospital. This was the last thing I wanted to do. I hate that place more than anything and I dread having to go any time I do. My mom and sister helped me to the car and my mom drove as quick as she could. I was struggling to breathe still while my heart was freaking out and my stomach hurt so bad. My head was spinning and so many bad sensations were being felt again. We got to the hospital and I couldn't even get out of the car. They helped me into a wheelchair and got me right in. My body was shaking nonstop and I was trying so hard to control it with my mind and calm everything down, but nothing was working. We got in the room and I passed out. Over and over. I couldn't stay conscious for longer than a couple minutes at a time. They gave me an IV of fluids right away and started drawing blood. I told them I did not want any pain or nausea meds whatsoever. They listened to me and didn't make me have them. After finally being able to explain to them what was going on, the Dr. looked very concerned. My weight had dropped from 103 to 96 pounds just in those couple days. I was severely dehydrated from not being able to eat. They gave me 2-3 bags of fluid while they were running tests. My blood work was fine, except for my potassium being low, which always happens. After talking to the Dr. and telling him the stuff about my head, he said they'd like to do a scan. I didn't want to do another one so I told him I would pass. I was just so sick of being in hospitals, but I felt like I was truly going to die while at my moms so I just wanted to go home and lay down. He gave me a couple prescriptions to help me sleep in the mean time. After getting to my moms, I just laid back down. I asked my dad to come give me another blessing. I couldn't keep the tears back and I prayed so hard constantly to Heavenly Father to please help me get better and not let me die. This was the first time I truly felt like I was not going to make it. Out of all the times of being ill, this was by the worst time. My dad came and gave me a blessing that night. It was a very strong and powerful blessing. I was so grateful he was able to do that. The next day my mom was taking me back home to Utah and she was going to stay for a few days. Thankfully the next morning I woke up and I was feeling a little better. I was able to get up and my sister helped me get in the tub. Yes, as embarrassing as it sounds, my sister had to help me. She helped me get dressed and packed all my things for me and my mom and I headed out. Again, I prayed the whole way that I'd be okay on the trip and it would go by fast. The trip wasn't real great, but we made it back to my place without any problems. I was so glad to be back home, but I was still missing my husband like crazy. To shorten this up a bit, the next couple days were still extremely rough. I just laid there while my mom cleaned and cooked and kept me company. We got back on Saturday and come Monday, I had an appt. in Provo with a heart specialist. My cousin took me and my mom. It was a rough day and I just wanted to get back home. I was still having a hard time walking, my heart and head were still doing crazy things. On the way home I got a migraine. I ended up having to take a pain killer cause nothing else was working and it was really bad. We went to my cousins for a while then went back home. By the time we got home, my head started feeling better and all a sudden I was able to get up more and start cleaning before my husband got home. He got home later that day and I was SO happy to see him. I started crying. I slowly felt a little better each day, but then just stopped progressing again.

March 31st, I had an appt with a new Lyme Dr. in Provo. My husband and I went and I was so nervous. Immediately the Dr. told me everything that was going on was due to Lyme and co-infections. He said he can tell I've had Lyme since I was little and I definitely had congenital Lyme. However, he was very hopeful and was so so knowledgeable about everything. My husband and I left feeling more hopeful. Before the Dr. done a whole lot, I had to get about 40 vials of blood drawn. In the meantime, he gave me a load of prescriptions to take. They made me feel worse and worse. They made me feel like I was going crazy in the head too. I told my husband I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't handle those feelings and I couldn't function whatsoever. So I stopped taking everything except for an antibiotic.

Since then we have been to that dr a few times. As smart as he is and as good as we felt about him, unfortunately, like may other dr's, he was not helping. I had started doing better because I contacted a dr in Idaho who was able to send me some things to take. I started feeling much better. I was able to go to Mesquite for my husband and I's wedding anniversary. Although I still didn't feel real well, I was able to go so I was very grateful for that. The next couple of weeks I as still doing okay. I was able to get up and do things around the house. I was able to go to some places with my husband.. Like the grocery store. And it was really nice. Then comes Memorial weekend. Sunday I made it to sacrament, but I was just feeling really "off" you could say. I started getting dizzy off and on throughout the day and worse in the evening. My husband and I went to a couple cemeteries with his family that evening. I was still able to enjoy visiting and whatnot, but my head was feeling so weird. We got home and I just laid down. The next day we were supposed to go to another cemetery, then go to his parents to eat and help do house/yard work. I wasn't planning on doing much cause I was still pretty weak and a bit dizzy. Well I ended up doing a lot and just kept going. I hadn't done that much in a very long time. It felt good though. For a while. When it came time to go I knew I had done too much and was going to probably crash big time. We got home and just relaxed. Surprisingly enough, the next day I didn't feel too bad. Throughout the week I slowly started feeling worse though. Come Sunday morning, I woke up and felt really strange. I kept sweating and was super hot. Then I kept getting really dizzy again. I was trying to get ready for church and while standing in the bathroom, I knew I wasn't going to make it. I was all ready to go, but I had to lie down. Later that day I asked my husband to take me for a ride so I could get out of the house for a bit. On our way to his parents after our ride, I started feeling worse. We go to his parents and as soon as I stood up to get out of the car, my head began spinning like crazy. My ears started to get watery because I was just so sick of being sick. I didn't understand why I was doing a bit better, then this hit so hard all of a sudden. I had to lie down as soon as I got inside and couldn't move at all. Right after I ate dinner, I immediately got a horrible migraine. I was so confused. I haven't had migraines for quite some time and especially when I eat. I told Simon I needed to go home. And after that, it got worse every single day.

Each day that went on that week I became sicker. It got to the point where I couldn't get out of bed at all. My neck and head were in severe pain. I've never had migraines or pains like this in my life. I was extremely nauseous all day. I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom or anything. My husband had to stay home a couple times to be with me or take me to my chiropractor. I kept getting worse. A couple mornings I woke up and couldn't move. I felt paralyzed. My husband done everything he could to keep me hydrated and keep me functioning. He had to carry me to the bathroom and do everything for me. My head was so bad and every time I would try to sit up or get up, it felt as if someone was pushing my head down so hard. I couldn't function at all. This week had now been the worst of my life. One day I was in so much pain and so sick, I had cried and prayed to Heavenly Father over and over to please help me find answers. I begged Him to help me get through the day. At this point, I really didn't care if I lived or died. I told Him that if I wasn't going to make it, to please stop making me suffer and just take me. And if I was supposed to make it, that everything would be okay and I'd get better. I told Him I needed a miracle. I told Him I couldn't take living like this anymore. I just couldn't do it. I told Him that I was putting all of my faith and trust in Him and I was aligning my will with His. After I prayed, I just cried. I didn't understand anything that was going on. This truly was the worst I had felt out of everything. I so badly just wanted to not live anymore. I had suffered so much and I couldn't keep going on.

That same day, my husband was at work and he was having a horrible day. He got home and I was in tears from being so sick and feeling like I was dying, and I could tell he was upset too. He had been looking for jobs elsewhere and so far nothing felt "right". He talked to me and comforted me like he always does. I told him everything I had been feeling that day and I just couldn't do this anymore. He said that i couldn't give up and that we would make it through. That evening, he ran to the store to grab a few things and also grabbed a couple pregnancy tests, because I was almost a week late. I knew I wasn't pregnant, but we just wanted to make sure in case I needed to take medicine. I didn't want to take one, but my cousin kept telling me I should. (We talk almost everyday and she had been texting me that whole day). My husband said I could take it if I wanted, but it was up to me. I wasn't going to at all. Then I decided to say a quick prayer again. I asked Heavenly for help again. I didn't know what to do to feel better. As soon as I finished, I heard "Take the pregnancy test and then you'll know what to do". I was like, okay that's weird... So after dinner my husband helped me to the bathroom and I decided to take it. As soon as I went to put the lid on the test, a bright blue line popped up. I had to do like a triple take, because I didn't believe it. I hollered at my husband and he came running in the bathroom. I told him we were pregnant. He didn't believe me. I showed him the test and said, "well we are!" We looked at each other and started crying. This was something we were not expecting whatsoever and as soon as I saw that test, I knew in my heart that God heard my prayers and this was a miracle. My husband and I did not know we would ever be able to have children due to all the health problems I've had. So I knew this was a miracle. I felt so much gratitude in my heart for this baby. My husband and I thought for sure that maybe this is why I had been so sick.

I had to stop all my treatments for Lyme Disease as soon as we found out. Since then, it's been hell to say the least. I am so so grateful this miracle baby is growing inside of me, but the Lyme has gone out of control and I'm sicker than ever. Thankfully, I have not had morning sickness (throwing up), but I've had everything else. I am in bed every single day. I've become very weak, I've lost pretty much all my muscle, even what little muscle I had before, I've had some major neurological problems, and so on. I've been praying SO hard every single day to find help for me. I've lost a lot of function of the left side of my brain so that's been a real struggle. I can't do hardly anything. I have severe dizziness 24/7, everything is constantly moving, my body shakes all the time, I have inside tremors/vibrations, heart issues, breathing issues, and so on. My husband and I have been pretty private about everything that has been going on. But we are no longer doing that. Over the last couple weeks, a dear friend of mine told me about this incredible center in Kansas that treat Lyme all the time and have a lot of success. I wasn't sure at first because I've seen way too may dr's and we've wasted thousands of dollars. She promised me this one was different than all the rest and she told me to just read their website and watch their videos. So the other night my husband and I did. During the video, I started to cry. I knew in my heart I needed to go there. I felt the spirit so strongly and I couldn't deny it. I told my husband as soon as the video ended that was the place for me. I knew this place would help me. In the meantime, I had another friend who had actually been going to this exact center and I didn't even know! She told me it's been amazing and a huge answer to her prayers. The more I read and researched them, the more I wanted to go. I called the next day and spoke with one of the staff members. I was shocked by how kind they were. The lady was so sweet and so caring about everything. I asked her if they treated pregnant women and she said they did! My hear stated racing. I knew this was an answer to my prayers! She gave me all the information and paper work to fill out. After all this, I told my husband that I HAVE to go here. I feel so strongly about this place and every time I think about going, I feel hope. I haven't felt like this about any place ever.

So, this brings me to asking for help. I have to get better so I can live somewhat normally, so I can take care of this sweet baby growing inside of me, and so I can be "human" again. I know in my heart that I have to go to Kansas to get treated, however, my husband and I cannot afford it. We are trying everything we can to get me there. My amazing sister has set up a Go Fund Me account to help get donations. We are trying to spread the word as much as possible so I can get to Kansas within the next 3 months hopefully. I know this place will help me and the Spirit has led me to this place. I'm so grateful for those who have shared and donated thus far. But we can't stop sharing until we reach our goal. I can't wait much longer to get treated. I will keep getting worse if I do. And I can't, because I have a miracle growing inside of me and I have to keep fighting to make this happen so I can be healthy again and be the mom and wife I've strongly desired to be. I pray that each of you will read this and donate if possible. If you cannot, at least please share it and spread the word like crazy. I know you will be blessed for it. I've never ever in my life wanted to ask for help like this, but now, I have no choice. It's been very humbling for me to allow others to help me. I'ts been very difficult to swallow my pride and admit that we need help. I know miracles happen every day. I know God hears our prayers even when we don't think He does and I know He has led me to this center for treatments. Please, please help if you can. Even if it's just $5. Everything helps! I hope and pray for those who are suffering from illnesses will continue to have hope and to never give up. Some days that's all we want to do, but keep fighting because one day, it will turn around and you will be able to overcome your trials. Below is the link for my Go Fund Me account. Please click to donate and/or share! I'd be forever grateful. Love to you all. <3

Nicole

http://www.gofundme.com/zcrpv8

When Giving Up Seems Like Our Only Option

I haven't been posting recently and have been way behind. Sometimes when you are super ill, blogging is the last thing on your mind. As most of you know, I was doing the "I Love My Body Diet". I haven't posted the rest of it on here yet I haven't decided whether or not I will. However, I recommend everyone doing it. It's an incredible journey and always you to really learn to love yourself.

I've been wanting to do a post lately, but couldn't decide where to start or if there was something specifically I've been wanting to say. I've been really sick this year.. It's definitely taking a huge toll on me. I know most people get sick of hearing that, but those who aren't dealing with a chronic illness, really have no idea what it is like.

I have decided that I want to share more awareness of Lyme Disease. I've learned so much during my life and I see how many people suffer from it. I see how much hurt and pain there is. I've met and talked with so many people who are suffering from this debilitating disease. It breaks my heart. I try to be strong and be good support for those who need it, but the truth is, it's HARD. When I can barely focus myself, or keep my thoughts in line, or barely move or do things myself, it is SO difficult to help lift others. It gets more exhausting all the time. But, I will never stop. I will never stop giving hope to everyone who is suffering. I will keep fighting and keep pushing others to fight. I will continue to be there for others, to help them through their troubles, to give them light and hope.

The last couple weeks have been really difficult. I've been in bed and have had a lot of time to pray, to seek for answers, to figure out what the next step is, to decide if it's worth fighting for my life or time to give up. In all honesty, giving up is what crossed my mind more than anything. There is only so much a person can handle in life. And I feel like I've reached my maximum level of trials and hardships. My faith has been pushed to the very edge. I'm hanging on by a fine thread of hope.

Day in and day out, I lay in bed. I tell myself it will be okay. I try to get up and do things and I fail. My body doesn't allow me to do what I want right now. Walking is difficult. It feels as if the floor/ground is constantly moving when I walk. It makes me extremely dizzy. Everything around me moves. When in real life, everything is standing still. My ears ring nonstop and I lose hearing. My mind goes crazy. My heart's growing weaker. My strength lessens each day I'm in bed. Some days, just trying to breathe normally is a difficult task. And on top of all of this, we just found out I have a cyst on my left over. They call it a haemorrhagic cyst. Which  means it's full of blood. I've been getting huge cysts for a while now, but they've been rupturing on their own. This one however, started out as the size of a golf ball, and as of this week, it is growing rapidly. I was in the ER the other day, because I was in severe pain. That's when I found out about the cyst growing and being full of blood. The Dr. told me to see a gyno right away. So on Monday, that's where I'm heading. Then we'll decide from there if surgery is what's needed or something else.

To some of you, this may seem like nothing. But when you're already dealing with serious illnesses, everything is intensified. I have cried many tears this week because the cyst has caused tremendous amounts of pain, causes my stomach to swell and feel super tight, and makes me sick to my stomach. I started thinking, "What am I doing wrong???" "What am I supposed to learn from all of this??" "How much more can my body take??"

All these questions going through my mind.. When in reality, I just want to quit; to give up. I don't want to do go through this anymore. Then today, it hit me... After many blessings, prayers, tears, breakdowns and pleadings to the Lord to help me.. I think I've realized more things that I didn't before. I've always known that everything happens for a reason, that our trials strengthen us, they makes us stronger in many ways and they build our testimonies of God. Well today, as I was laying here in bed, I prayed. I cried my eyes out. I begged for some relief and a some strength to go throughout this day. After my prayer, I searched talks from LDS General Conferences. I came across one called, "The Power to Heal from Within" by Merrill J. Bateman. I was immediately attracted to the title so I decided to read it.

I won't share the whole talk, but I will share some words that captured me. At one point, Merrill talks about what death teaches us and talks about the atonement.  He says, "Through Christ, broken hearts are mended and peace replaces anxiety and sorrow." Then mentions this scripture...

"As Isaiah stated concerning the Savior, “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our
sorrows: … And with his stripes we are healed” (Isa. 53:4–5)."

Merrill goes on to discus when the prophet Alma also spoke of Christ's healing powers. Alma stated that he would go forth "suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of eery kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people... And he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, ... that he may know according the the flesh how to succor his people" (Alma 7:11-12). Whatever the source of the pain, Jesus understands and can heal the spirit as well as the body.   

These words alone opened my eyes once again. These trials are hard. Being ill is extremely difficult. Times get so rough and giving up sometimes feels like that's all that is left. I am here to tell you, it is not. It's okay to have bad days, to cry, to breakdown, to feel undefeated... But we must never give up. Jesus truly knows what we are going through. He suffered SO much just so he could know and feel our deepest feelings, our deepest thoughts, our deepest troubles. HE KNOWS. We are never alone in our journey's, even though at times that is all we feel. I'm here to testify to every single one of you that He lives. Heavenly Father has created a divine plan for each of us. Although sometimes those plans aren't what we have in mind, they are for a purpose. They are to define us, strengthen us and prepare us. Prepare us for something so extraordinary that we don't even comprehend it right now. We are being prepared to go back to Him, to meet our Creator. And once that happens, nothing else will matter. We must take this time to really focus on what we came here to learn, serve others when we can, and draw ourselves closer to Him each and every day.

I know I will still have hard days ahead of me, but I know I can be healed. I know that through God, all things are possible. This may not mean being completely physically healed in this lifetime, but I can be healed in many other ways and I know He is by my side the whole way. Keep pushing through the hard times, keep praying and asking for answers. They will come when it is time. <3

Nicole

Day 11: Cast Away Shame

Hi all! Thanks everyone for your support in this journey. Day 11 is about casting away shame, which is something I think everyone deals with! Shame is something that we cannot hold on to, even though we do. Whatever reasons we may be carrying shame with us, can be done away with. Let go of shame. Don't let past/old emotions control you. We can't move forward by being stuck in the past. 

~Nicole 

Day 8: Things you love about YOU - Day 9: The Present - Day 10: Listen to your food and BLESS it

I have been so behind on my blogging lately! So I am trying to get everything caught up. Life has been so crazy lately and I've not been doing well. Being able to do these videos definitely helps me so much. I'm so grateful for #ilovemybodydiet even if I keep getting super behind on it ;) I hope these videos help others as well. 

Make a list of things you love about you! Do it every day if you have to - #learntoloveyourself

Day 8:

Day 9:  Live in the NOW. Stop focusing and living in the past. Stop being so anxious about the future. Let it go. Focus on living each day at a time. 

Day 10: Learn to love food. Listen to what food is saying to you. Bless it <3

Day 7: Ask For Hugs

AH - I immediately froze when I read this exercise. I don't go anywhere or see anyone except my sweet husband. I've been too sick to just go out and do whatever. I'm usually alone all day everyday. So this exercise made me feel like I already failed. I took a moment to think about what I could do to still make it so I could participate in this exercise today - Then it came to me.. And my results were amazing - Such a great experience for me to have today <3 <3

Hug everyone!! #huggingheals

~Nicole

Day 6: Feel Your Body

Day 6 is a shorter video, finally ;) A good exercise to take my mind out of this world for a minute and just breathe. No matter how hard life gets, take time to relax. Forget what's going on. Close your eyes and dream.

~Nicole

Day 5: I Am Ugly

Today's exercise was not my favorite.. to start out with anyways... I really didn't want to tell myself "I am ugly" since I'm trying to stay positive! BUT - it actually felt good. I love the idea of "owning" a bad thought before releasing it. It is something I've never really thought about until this exercise. 

LOVE YOURSELF <3 

~Nicole 

Day 4: Naked Mirror...

Hey all!

I got a little behind on my videos and blogging. This week I've been super sick so that was the last thing on my mind. I was finally able to get all caught up tonight with 3 more videos.

This first post is about Day 4: Naked Mirror. YIKES, right?! This was an exercise I totally wasn't sure how I would feel about until I did it. After day 4, I realized everyone should probably get naked more and look at themselves in the mirror and say "I AM BEAUTIFUL". Seriously. Everyone needs to do this as often as they can. Naked or not. Learn to love yourself. Keep saying it until you believe it. Words are powerful. Minds are powerful. Create that goodness in your mind and learn to "LET GO" of everything that brings anything less of love and "BE YOU".

~Nicole

Day 3: Values for your body

Happy Tuesday, everyone!

So today was a lot more tougher than yesterday and way more emotional that I had hoped for. So bare with me in my videos. This is something that is totally out of my comfort zone and it is so scary for me to do this. But I've had strong promptings that this is something that I need to do so I will continue to keep doing so.

I Love My Body Diet so far has been amazing for me. I've already seen/felt shifts and have had some awesome experiences with it. I can't thank Jennifer Lamprey enough for being so inspiring to everyone around her and dedicating so much of her time to help people heal! I have two different videos today, just because my phone stopped half way through and I didn't want to restart again :)

There has been a lot of emotional processing since I have started this journey, but I am so ready for it and I can't wait to see the changes in my life. I hope everyone can find some kind of hope or faith or inspiration from me doing this <3

Loves to all.

I Love My Body Diet

Hi all.

It's been a VERY long time since I've blogged. I decided to take a "break" from most or all things dealing with Lyme Disease and other illnesses. It was much needed. But now I am back and ready to share with the world my "exposed" journey. This is something that I have felt I should do for a long time, but I just kept letting fear win. I wasn't ready to do this.

On the 9th, I will be going to a new Dr. I've decided that I wasn't getting what I needed at my current Dr. I feel like I've tried everything. I still spend days in bed sick with migraines, head pressure, weakness, all other things. I'm SO ready to get better I can hardly stand it. Through many prayers and priesthood blessings, I feel I am being guided to where I need to be. Slowly, but surely.

I know there are reasons for my trials and with FAITH, I will keep pushing myself to get where I need to be. I will take chances and risks that I was afraid to before to make it possible. I can't even begin to tell everyone the damage that has been done over that last year. Whether it's physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. I've reached points in my life that I thought I'd never come back from.

For the rest of this month, I will be posting a lot. Maybe every day. On the first of this month, I joined what is called the I Love My Body Diet by Jennifer Lamprey. She is one of the most amazing ladies. She is such a gifted woman and a blessing to many.

This is not a diet that deals with food. This is a program that helps everyone to LOVE themselves. To get past fears. To overcome things. Which is what we need in order to HEAL. There are exercises given each day to help change belief patterns and become who we are destined to be.

So, yesterday was the first day of the diet. Today, our exercise is to "Lean into God". So I did the exercise. We were also challenged to do videos of ourselves. This is something I did not plan on doing. Then something told me otherwise. I need to do this. I'm taking huge steps in doing this and not caring whatsoever about what others may think or say. This is something I need to do for me. And while doing so, I hope to inspire all those around me.

I will post my video for everyone to watch - Like I said before, this is something I wasn't going to do because I was terrified. But that is no longer happening. So, here is my video for the day.

Finding Hope While Living With Chronic Illnesses

It has been way too long since I have last posted in my blog! So much has happened since my last post that I don't know where to even start. I always wait to have some kind of inspiration 'til I write. I haven't felt that until this last weekend. Life has thrown some crazy curve balls that have left me feeling all sorts of emotions.

In my last post, I talked about my stay at the hospital in Idaho while my hubby was away in Germany. Once I got back home, my husband and I decided that we really needed to be strict with our diets because we know how crucial diet is, especially for me. People with diseases, illnesses, etc, are highly effected by the things we eat, drink, breathe and so on. We started the Whole30 diet. I was hoping this would really help my stomach issues and I couldn't prevent getting a scope next month. This diet is super strict for those of you who aren't familiar with it. After about 4-5 days of this diet, I got very sick. I started getting severe pain in my lower abdomen and I knew something was wrong. It finally started going away, but I could still feel it and feel a lot of pressure. It felt so weird. Throughout the next few days, I started feeling worse. My stomach felt worse, I was getting fevers and I became so nauseous. Everything got 30 times worse than before. Not only was all this going on, but we were supposed to be moving into our new apartment the same week.

My husband and his family were moving things on the 25th. I felt so sick, but didn't want to say anything while everyone was around. I felt like I had the flu, only extremely worse. I had never felt so much nausea in my life. We stayed our first night in our new place. I woke up around 5 a.m. I was in tears. The pain was so intense that I could hardly breathe. I was so sick to my stomach and could barely move. I tried to focus on being calm and forcing myself to go back to sleep. An hour later, I was still in tears and knew I needed medical attention asap. I woke my husband up and I could tell he wasn't super happy about it. He probably thought this was just our usual routine. When we got to the hospital, all I can remember is I felt like I was dying and wanted to get drugs in me as soon as I could. And for those of you who know me, I don't like taking meds at all. At this point, I think I was ready for everything.

I can't remember much myself, so I'm just going off what I do remember and what my husband told me :) Anyways, after giving me pain and nausea meds, I remember them drawing blood and wanting to do an ultrasound. Long story short, they found a massive cyst, about the size of a golf ball, on my right ovary. They also found that my liver was having some issues. All the enzymes were super high. They sent the tests off to have them cultured and make sure I didn't have hepatitis.

Hours later we finally were able to leave the hospital. In the meantime, I was supposed to take meds, rest and follow up with my regular Dr. Since then, I have been on pain and nausea meds every single day. I started getting very emotional and angry. (I blame a lot of this on the pain meds). Last Friday, I literally had reached my breaking point. I'm sure those of you who suffer from any type of illness whatsoever knows what I am talking about when I say breaking point. I don't mean a little crying session and feeling upset and then getting over it after eating some chocolate or ice cream. I mean a full on break down; hours of shedding tears, feelings of rage and anger, bitterness. etc. I literally lost it. I felt like something had completely just taken over me. (Normally, I would not tell people this, but I feel very prompted to do so. So please, no judgments, because this is all very real and it's my life). I started praying as hard as I possible could. I was literally begging Heavenly Father to help me; help me understand why I am going through this all and why it's been going on for so long. The tears wouldn't stop. The more I thought about everything I'd been going through, the more angry I got and the more I cried. I kept thinking about how my husband and I never go anywhere or do anything because of my health. It would make me more angry. I just wanted to be married and enjoy married life with my amazing husband. I wanted to be able to go to church every Sunday, go to the temple as often as possible, go visit people, drive, help serve others. I probably prayed for a total of 45 minutes to an hour that day. Possibly more. I felt so much sorrow and sadness in my heart. I was thinking of how much more life I used to have in me and how strong I used to feel the spirit. I felt like I had lost it all completely. I begged for comfort and for peace in my mind and my heart. I begged over and over to tell me what I needed to do. After moments of praying and breaking down, I felt more calm. But I still didn't feel anything else. I tried to regain my focus and clear my mind. Then my husband messaged me and suggested we ask our Branch President to come visit and give me a blessing. So I did.  (Also, before I forget, my family created an event on FB to invite everyone to do a fast for me the Monday before - so a week ago from today.) My BP messaged me back and said he would love to come over.

Later that night, our BP arrived and sat down to talk to us. We don't see him often due to the health issues I have been struggling with. We caught him up to speed with everything going on. He asked me if it was okay to let my Relief Society President be aware of my situation so she could check on me from time to time as well. We also discussed having the sacrament brought to our home on days I am not able to attend church. He told me I was too young to be going through everything I am and that it was time for me to get better. He gave Simon and I some advice and strongly encouraged us to stay close to the gospel. Not to let these trials pull us away.

After we finished talking, our BP gave me a blessing. I was expecting an overwhelming flood of emotions, feeling the spirit, and whatnot. But that's not what I got. I had taken medications before the blessing so I knew that was part of the reason I didn't feel much. But what I did get, was comfort. Peace. Direction. I was blessed with many things and also blessed that my Doctors and their staff would be guided in my healing, that they would know exactly what to do. I was blessed to have the patience to deal with all of this. I was told to pray often. To let this bring me closer to Him. The blessing was what I needed to hear. Every part of it. There were so many things that I think of now that really stuck out and were very powerful. I just didn't realize it at that exact moment.

Then of course, this last weekend was LDS Conference. I couldn't stay awake for all of it, but amazingly enough, I was awake for the talks that were meant for me. I won't go into too much detail of the talks, but I just know which ones were meant for me, right now in my life. Words from our Prophet, from our Apostles and other church members were spoken this weekend that have helped me to refocus my mind. To inspire me. To help me. And most of all, to give me hope. My mind has not been stable, especially this last week. And hearing the talks helped me to think a little more clear. To know that everything will be OK.

Though this last week has been one of the hardest weeks for me emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally, it has also been one of the best weeks. I didn't realize this until now. But I know deep in my heart, that every small or huge trial I have gone through, is part of God's plan for me. How amazing is it that God has created a specific plan for each of us? Our Heavenly Father loves each and every single one of us unconditionally. He knows who we are and what we need to reach our full potential on earth. This last week has changed a lot of things, not just for me, but for my husband too. We've always had an amazing relationship and a unique bond. But after moving to our new place, and dealing with these major health problems, something happened. Something that I can't exactly explain, but I know it has strengthened Simon and I's relationship. I thought I loved him before. But I love him so much more now. There is something about your eternal companion, that when you are at your absolute worst and you can't function at all, that when they take care of you non stop, dress you, do your hair for you, read scriptures to you and pray with you when you can't even stay away for all of it, that just makes your heart so full of love and gratitude. I was so angry and bitter about all the things that I haven't been able to do in life, especially doing things with my husband, that I forgot about all the things I can do. And all the things that have made us more spiritual and faithful people because of what we can't do due to my health issues. I knew Simon loved me before, but I had never felt it as strong as I did this last week. I can't tell him enough that he is my everything and without him, I wouldn't make it. It is not easy for him. He works full time, gone for 10 hours a day to his stressful job, then comes home and makes dinner, tends to my every need, then sits down to relax.

During all of this craziness this past week, my husband and I have had some long talks about everything that has happened, my feelings, his feelings, and so on. He told me that he felt so different with everything this last time. That he has found himself praying way more. He's felt the spirit more. He knows I will be safe while he is gone all day at work and that I will be watched over. And he told me that he is so sorry I have been going through so much, but he also knows that a lot of this is for him. He told me his love for me has become so much stronger and that all of this has changed his way of thinking and acting. When he told me this, my heart felt so full of love. I wish everyone could feel this. Or that everyone could understand what being severely ill does to a person. Sometimes, no matter how strong you think you are, you still break. And that's okay. Because we need these moments to help us recognize what pure happiness is. I've suffered for a very long time. And I know that I can and will be healed some day. I know I will have better days and I know I will have very bad days. But I also know that with the love of my Heavenly Father, I will never be alone in any of this as long as I allow Him to be there and help me. I know I have an amazing husband who will be there to support me and encourage me when I've lost all hope.

I hope this all makes sense to each of you. I'm still on meds so if there are a few things that seem strange, forgive me. I know I kind of bounced around with everything, but I just wrote what I have felt so far.

Today Simon took my to my Dr.'s appointment. We were there for quite a while, but it was all worth it. She told us we needed to bring out the big guns and get more serious with everything we're doing. She said we weren't going slow anymore and we were going to get me feeling better. She created a new plan for me. I have an 8 week detox program I am doing and she put me on a few prescription meds along with many supplements. For those of you who know me, I typically only do natural treatments. But today at my appointment, I felt that I needed to do everything the Dr. threw at us. And that is what I will be doing. She told me the next 2-3 could be really rough, but I will start feeling better afterwards. This was the first appointment I think I have ever had where I felt HOPEFUL. No joke. Everything felt right and I knew that the Lord has guided my Dr. in every step she felt was needed.

After my appointment, I finally felt some peace. I felt like my life will get better and my body will become whole again. Even though these trials have made me breakdown to the point of not wanting to go on anymore, I know in my heart that this is all a part of God's plan. I know that we are never alone in anything as long as we ask for help. I know at times, I've wanted to give up completely, but I can't. And I won't. No matter how hard life has been for me, I've learned so many things through my trials. And I have learned that a lot of my trials are not always for me. They are to help others. And I'm okay with that. The Lord knows each of us individually. He knows exactly what we are capable of and knows how much we are able to handle. If the Lord trusts me enough to go through all of the pain, the sorrow, the misery, the sadness, the sicknesses, and so on, then I trust Him enough to know that it's part of His plan for me. To mold me into the person I was brought here to be.

I guess after everything I just wrote about, what I want to share with people is that there are times we have lost all hope, all faith. There are moments where we are suffering so much that we feel as if we cannot bare anymore in our lives and we can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. But guess what? There is always a light at the end. We just have to allow that light to be seen. We have to know that no matter what we are dealing with in life, God is the light. And when that light begins to dim and eventually disappear, we must open our hearts and pour out our souls to Him. We must believe in Him and trust in His plan. He can only help us as much as we allow Him to. He can only help us as much as our faith allows. If we have little faith, we get little results. It's only when we have as much faith as possible that miracles can happen.

I fully believe in God and know miracles happen. I know that I have suffered much in my life and know that I still may have times where I continue to suffer. But I also know now, more than ever before, that it depends on me and my faith that will help take that suffering away. We can't expect God to heal us or help us if our faith is but small and we aren't living up to our full potential in any circumstance.

I hope and pray that anyone who has dealt with Lyme, or any kind of illness whatsoever knows that they are watched over. Know that there is a God who is constantly there, know that you are loved and that there is a plan just for YOU. I know that one of the reasons I have gone through all of this is for other people. I know that by reaching out to others and sharing my story plays a huge role in my plan. I want people to know that there are others out there who have suffered just as much, or even more than they have. I also want people to know that I am always here for support if any of you need it. I want people to feel comfortable and know that it's okay to reach out to others. I feel very inspired to give people my email address and any of you who need someone to talk to, guidance, direction or just a friend, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Love and healing to everyone,

Nicole

FB Group - *All About Lyme - Holistic Healing*
Instagram - nicole_fay26
Email address - life_of_hope@yahoo.com

Lyme Disease: Why we can never ever give up

Getting the motivation to write in my blog lately has been rough. I kept feeling like I needed to write in it tonight, but I was fighting it. And here I am, lying in bed with so many things on my mind. Trying to figure out what the heck went wrong in the last few weeks. All of the things that were happening and I was starting to do better in quite a few areas, then bam. Crashed and took 10 steps back. 

As most of you know, a few weeks ago I had made some huge progress. Until about 9ish days ago. On the 15th, my husband flew to Germany for work. My mom came and got me so I could stay with her for the week and go see one of my favorite Dr.'s in Idaho. I hadn't been feeling well at all. My stomach was causing major problems. I was feeling super weak again. All these things kept happening and I knew I was going to crash hard. I got to my moms Thursday evening. Come Sunday morning I woke up and could barely walk to the bathroom. My heart was racing fast and pounding hard. While I was in the bathroom, I prayed. I prayed to be guided in what to do. I truly hate hospitals and didn't want to go. But I felt so sick. As soon as I finished praying, I heard a faint whisper if you will, that said "If you trust me, go to the hospital". I couldn't deny what I was told. I came out of the bathroom and told my mom we needed to go. I had really been struggling the last few days so she knew exactly what I meant. We got our things together and headed to the ER. 

It didn't take long before they got us in. My stomach pain had been so bad and I was so weak. Any time my  heart feels "different", I know it's nothing to be messed with. At this point, I was just ready to lay there and get fluid in me asap. After explaining everything to the nurse, she went and spoke with the Dr. He then came in and immediately, I felt so much peace. Regardless of how much pain and sickness I felt, I knew I was told to come to the hospital for a reason. The nurse and Dr. were so kind. Some of the kindest staff I've ever had to deal with. They immediately started me on anti nausea meds and pain meds. I asked them to only do half of what they were going to 'cause I hate how drugs make me feel. She said that wasn't a problem at all and if I ended up needing more, just let them know. 

I could feel the meds slightly, but not like I normally would. After I finished talking to the Dr., he stepped out and the lab came to draw my blood. The nurse gave me one more med to "reduce acid". Not two seconds after it was injected in me, my stomach pains got 20 times worse. I could hardly breathe. It killed to move. I told my nurse and she immediately gave me the rest of my pain meds. She went to talk with the Dr. and  by the time she got back, the pain hadn't subsided one bit. They ended up giving me MORE pain meds, which at the time, I was in so much pain I didn't even care anymore. It took some time before I felt the pain disappearing, but after a while, it finally got better and I wasn't crying anymore. So that was great :) 

They done all kinds of tests, scans, etc. and then the Dr. came back in my room and talked to me for a while. We discussed Lyme Disease and all the other issues I have with it. He was so caring and understanding. (This hardly EVER happens, just so you all know.) He told me he was going to admit me to the hospital because they wanted to do some more extensive testing and just keep an eye on me overnight. They also wanted to keep fluids in my because I was so dehydrated. (Yes people, I drink plenty of water. All the time. But for some reason, my body doesn't like to stay hydrated.) 

Finally I got up to my room and they gave me more meds. And to be honest, I can't quite tell you what went on from there. All I know is more tests were done and lots of fluids were given. After I was released the following afternoon, my mom and I grabbed some food and headed back to her place. Right after I ate, I got sick. And that continued for the rest of the day. I was still pretty out of it so the next few days were blurry. I woke up one morning, and could hardly breathe. My chest was so heavy and when I tried to get up, it just felt like someone kept trying to push me down. I thought, "Seriously? Why?" I was so irritated that it was constantly one thing after another. I think it was that same day that my mom took me to my Dr. appointment. Where later that day I found I had H Pylori, a bunch of parasites, issues with my liver, etc. On a positive note, the Lyme was NOT showing up. This obviously excited me. However, that didn't mean it was gone. But still gave me hope. My numbers for Epstein Barr Virus were still super high. I was told I needed to be tested for the MTHFR Gene Mutation. I was told that infertility could also be an issue. Also, I was told to have my apartment checked for mold asap because there were things showing up in my body that could be caused my mold in my place. Oh, and not to mention, going to Mexico to get treated  may be my best option. Sounds exciting right? ;) Even though I wasn't healed and my tests clearly showed some major issues still, I still felt hopeful. 

Skipping through the rest and fast forwarding to my mom bringing me back to Utah. I came home the same evening as my husband. My mom left shortly before he got home. I was so excited to see him. It made everything else go away for a short moment. That always happens when he comes home. I feel safe and feel like everything will be okay. He brings me such peace and I am so grateful for that. And it felt good to be home. Even though we have mold here ha. 

So since I have been back home.. Which has been about a week now... I have felt miserable. Well, mostly. Sunday I woke up and felt like I was dying. I can't describe what my body felt like, but it was almost unbearable. I stayed in my bed almost the whole day. I felt so angry and so bitter. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and throw things. I couldn't remember the last time I had all these horrible feelings inside of me. I was so aggravated. I felt so mad. I kept thinking over and over in my head that I cannot go on like this anymore. I couldn't take it. My emotions were all over the place that day and so were my thoughts. I couldn't think clearly whatsoever. All I knew is that I needed to pray. I needed to try to calm myself and to have the strength to do so. But these other feelings of anger and hatred were becoming so overbearing that I couldn't shake them. I couldn't stop crying. I just needed to let it all out. So I did. Alone in my room. On my bed. Tears flooded my pillow and I didn't care. I couldn't stop and I knew it needed to be "released".  

Later that day my husband came in our room and we talked for a while. It gave me comfort and I started feeling less angry with everything. I asked him for a blessing because I knew at this point, it was my only hope. The second he laid his hands upon my head, I could feel it. I could feel the peace and comfort going throughout my body. Even though my mind was not clear or in the right place, my blessing made it possible for me to remember the words which were said. The hope that was given. And the spirit that was felt. Shortly after my blessing, my head started feeling better. The sickness I could feel in my head was slowly fading. I knew getting a blessing that night was what I needed most. 

Yes.. I'm telling you all of this because I want you all to know that it can and it will be hell when dealing with diseases or other illnesses. It isn't pretty. It isn't funny. And it doesn't always bring out the best in you. However, you cannot give up. It's okay to have breakdowns, to scream, to cry, to feel angry. It's okay to be upset. We need to express our emotions and we need to let it out. Obviously in a safe way. But we can't hold in everything we feel. When we feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel, think again. Because I know for me, every other time I have felt that I cannot go on any longer, my eyes were opened and hope was revealed. There are moments where you think you can't keep going. That it will never end. That people will never understand what you are going through.. But that is where we are wrong. It will end. One day it will all end. And there is ALWAYS one person who completely understands what we are going through. HIM. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows every thought we have, every ounce of pain we feel, every tear we shed. He is our comforter. He guides us, if we listen. No matter what we are going through, we have someone to turn to, to lean on, to trust. We must have faith in all things. Times will occur where our faith and patience will be tried. Tried so hard that we will want to give up, stop believing, stop hoping. But we can't. Because if we do, we won't grow. We won't become stronger. We won't be molded into the perfect humans that we were brought here to be molded into. We won't become more loving, have more compassion and be more humbled. 

We cannot give up. With the Lord on our side, we can do all things. We must align our will with God's. And have the faith that it will all work out. I know I still struggle at times and feel like all hope is lost, but I will never give up and never stop fighting to become healed. I truly believe all things can be done through Him. And I can be healed. And so can each of you. When you feel all alone and no one in the entire world can understand you or feel what you are going through, He can. Always remember that and you'll never lose. 

Healing Lyme With The Mind: {Why loving ourselves can heal us}

Since my last post, things have changed. I feel like I am starting to become more aware of the person I used to be. Things are becoming more clear. My intuition feels like it is starting to open back up.

As crazy as this sounds to some people, it's not crazy to me. We CAN heal ourselves with our minds. No matter what anybody says. Our thoughts are so powerful. The things we think and say about ourselves, is what becomes of ourselves. If we are constantly having negative thoughts, you will live a negative life. You will NOT have pure happiness, joy, peace, etc. And why do we do this to ourselves? What in the heck is the point? Why do we criticize ourselves so much to the point we become bitter, angry and sick? We constantly complain about our struggles in life, our failures, how we are too fat, too thin, too ugly. We constantly tear ourselves apart. Day after day. We do this so much we eventually start to believe it. Then our bodies start to believe it, and that's what happens. It's called the "Law of Attraction". What we put out there, is what we get back. Ten fold. For example, the more we think how "fat" we are and that we can't lose weight, the more and more we believe it and guess what? We gain weight. We struggle with losing weight. Same thing goes if we are "sick". The more we FOCUS and put our energy on the thoughts that we are sick, afflicted, in pain, miserable, etc, the more this will occur. We tell ourselves, "Ugh. Today will be a bad day". Guess what? You're right. It will be a bad day. And YOU created it.

You may ask what this has to do with me having Lyme Disease - Well, essentially it has a lot to do with it. I got Lyme when I was 6. How? I have no clue. Why? Maybe to help me strengthen my faith, my patience, learn from my trials, gain more knowledge and help others. And that's exactly what my goal is - to help others. To be a tool for the Lord. A messenger. And through my journey, nothing has been more powerful in healing than having my God in my life. Growing closer to Him, has helped me learn so many things about myself and alternative ways to healing. Other than just going to doctor after doctor. I have been so blessed to have been introduced to these alternatives throughout the last few years. And one of them, is energy work. Which was partly why I became a Foot Zoner :) After having wonderful experiences and praying about this, I knew I needed in my life. For me. And for others.

All of this comes together at one point. Some of you still may be confused as to what I am talking about. Eventually I will come to explain everything through my posts. As for this post, this is about healing Lyme with the mind. After getting back from Cabo, I wanted to do better. I wanted to try anything I could do to feel "good" even if I really didn't. When my husband and I returned home, I started a new "treatment" you could say. A couple of them. Because of my blog, a lady contacted me and told me she was sure she had something that could help me. She wanted to call me as soon as she could to discuss it with me. My first thought was, "That is really cool. But I'm sure it's just like everything I have tried". But what I didn't realize at the moment, was that I had been praying really hard about what else to do for the Lyme and this could be an answer to my prayers. When she wanted to talk to both my husband and I, I will admit, I was skeptical. Then she told me she had this really strong feeling to contact me immediately. When she told me that, I had a good feeling. After my husband and I talked to her, learned more about what she was doing, we prayed about it. We both felt like this could be a good step to take. So we did. And I don't regret it. I started everything when we got back from Cabo. I was scared at first, because I had been so sensitive to so many things in the past. But I tried to change my mindset. I told myself, if God wanted me to do this, it wouldn't cause me more problems. It was going to help me heal.

On to my 3rd week of this, and still no regrets. Last week I made more progress than I have been in over 8 months. I was able to drive, for the first time by myself, help my husband's parents with picking, shucking, and preparing corn to freeze for 8+ hours, and go to church for the full 3 hours yesterday. I start tearing up every time I talk about this. Because those of you who know me, or who have struggled with health issues themselves and aren't able to do much, this is monumental. My heart was so full of gratitude this weekend for being able to accomplish all of these. I know I'm not healed yet, but each day I will get closer and closer. And not only have I been taking some incredible products, but I have really changed my thinking patterns.

Lyme can really screw a person up mentally. The Lyme can over take you and your mind if you let it. However, you can't. YOU are in control. You CAN'T let Lyme control you. It's A disease, not YOUR disease. These words change you. Don't claim your illnesses. Don't let them define you. And this is what I did. I got so ill these last 7-8 months, it overtook my life. My mind. My thoughts. My faith. My everything. I never thought I'd get so bad in my life. Then I realized, if I can change my thoughts, my mind, retrain my sub-conscious mind, I can get better. I can do this. I will take control of my life back.

I became so hard on myself.  Guilt ate at me every single day. I felt like I was an inadequate wife. I couldn't be what my husband needed. I was too big of a burden for him. For anyone. I'm wasn't ever going to heal. I wanted to, but felt it was getting impossible. I've lost over 30 pounds and still think I'm "fat". I started hating myself rather than loving myself. I became more obsessed with being sick and fat and more focused on how I wasn't healing than being positive and having faith.

Why!? Why do we do this?? Because we let our thoughts take over our minds. We let the negative become our life. We think the harder we are on ourselves, the better people we can become. We have old thoughts/words stuck in our mind from what people said to us in our childhood or other times throughout our past. And we believed them. We created that/this life. So why not create the opposite? Why not create a good, happy life? Sure we will have struggles here and there, but having the best attitude and a heart full of gratitude at all time will ease these struggles.

This is why I created Healing Lyme With The Mind - Because it is possible. The saying "You can't expect anyone to love you until you love yourself" is beyond true. We MUST love ourselves. We have NO reason not to! God created us. He gave us this life. These bodies. They are gifts to us. We need to constantly treat them as gifts from God. They are sacred. So why torture them? Why criticize them? Do we do that to any other gifts? I would say hardly. We can overcome anything we put our mind to and have faith we can do it. We are all human. We've all had struggles and have struggles. That doesn't mean we love ourselves less and treat ourselves like we don't deserve the best. No matter where we came from, what we've done, who's hurt us, we can let it go. Move on. Create the life you want to live.

I have started this challenge on my FB Group - *All About Lyme - Holistic Healing*. I would love for everyone to join and follow along to Heal Lyme With The Mind . This isn't just for Lyme. It's for anything. Every day I have been posting a healing affirmation for people to save or print and read every day over and over to help them in their healing journey. I would love to receive any feedback, questions or if anyone just needs to chat, I'm here! :)

I will post all my affirmations I've made so far. Here's to healing and loving ourselves!

Starting our "Healing Lyme With The Mind" affirmations!! Feel free to print these off and place on your mirror. And repeat them to yourself all throughout the day!! 

Day 2: 

Day 3: Happy Thursday everyone!!! I hope you are all joining my "Healing Lyme With The Mind" affirmation journey  Today, my affirmation is one that means a lot to myself. Struggling with Lyme and other illnesses takes a toll on us emotionally and mentally. I know that I have become SO much harder on myself. I feel guilty a LOT and feel super inadequate. I catch myself thinking bad/negative thoughts about myself all the time. However, I'm changing that and I hope you can all do the same. We were all brought to this earth for a reason and each of our journey's are different, but no matter what, we can't stop loving ourselves!! Our bodies are a gift from God and we need to constantly treat it that way. Especially with our thoughts and our words. I've talked to so many people with Lyme or other illnesses and every single one of them have or had negative thoughts about themselves. Use this affirmation ALL day every day! And before bed!

Day 4:  Nothing is possible without faith. Especially healing  I have "Faith conquers fear" on my vision board. Super powerful! Start believing and see what happens 

Day 5: Repeating this every day multiple times will eventually make it happen! Happy Monday everyone!

The Most Inspirational Post You'll Probably Ever Read. **** (Conquering Lyme)

Hi all!!

As most of you know, from my previous posts, I mention that I typically write a post when I feel inspired. I don't want to write every single day and bore people with my nonsense ;). However, this post won't do that. I have been dying ALL week to get back home from Cabo to write this post!! You guys don't even know my excitement!

Since my wonderful husband and I got back from our Idaho reception the second weekend in July, I have been super struggling. Some days I would feel okay, other days I was miserable and so sick. I couldn't even get off the couch. I know, that's not uncommon for me. But the last couple weeks were worse in certain areas. Like my stomach for instance. I was having severe nausea, stomach pains, weakness, dizziness, etc. I was having a hard time eating anything. Everything tasted gross to me or tasted "not normal". I was so so so tired. Fatigue is no fun. Ever. My body had been stressed from all the physical work I done at the reception and just the stress in receptions itself! Lyme + stress = major problems.

I was so sick to my stomach and could not figure out what the heck was going on. With Lyme Disease, typically you get pain anywhere and everywhere at anytime. But it usually isn't so constant or painful (for me in my stomach area). Last week I felt like death. The pain was so bad and I was so weak. My amazing friend Melissa came to hang out with me last Thursday (I think) and she took me to see my Dr. They ran some tests and when results came back my Dr. was like, "Oh... Well, okay." I asked her what was up. She said that my body was losing Ketones. I wasn't very familiar with this so she went on to explain that basically my body wasn't getting enough nutrients cause I wasn't eating enough and whatever I was eating, it wasn't being absorbed. So what was happening was that my stomach was running out of nutrients to digest so it literally started digesting my stomach muscles. "GROSS" is what I thought. I told her it felt like my stomach was eating itself and she said, "well, that's because it basically is". Haha. Makes sense! Anyways, she was telling me all these things to do and if I wasn't better by Monday to go back in, because Tuesday I was supposed to be leaving for Cabo!!

It was either that same night I went to the Dr or the next night, I woke up in the middle of the night, burning up, stomach hurting so bad, heart pounding super fast and shaking like crazy! I thought to myself, "You have got to be kidding. I have to go to Cabo soon and I'm so sick!!" I woke my husband up and we went to the emergency room. They gave me pain meds, nausea meds and lots of fluid. Everything else looked fine. We got home around 5 a.m. or so and I slept pretty much the whole next day. It was night to be able to finally sleep cause sleeping isn't my strongest point. :) Throughout the weekend I still struggled. I kept taking my meds and supplements and tried to eat super light things. Monday rolled around and I felt A-W-F-U-L. My friend took me back to my Dr. and she immediately said I need to get a CT scan. We talked about things for a bit and she told me she really wouldn't advise me going to Cabo. I somewhat felt relieved, because let's be honest here, who wants to go on a trip OUT of the country when you are super sick?? NOT ME. I really wanted to go to Cabo, but I knew I should probably listen to my Dr. as well.

I told Simon while he was at work what my Dr. had said. He obviously wasn't super thrilled about it and talked to his boss about my situation. His boss had already purchased everything and didn't know if we could get a refund for us or not. Simon told me what his boss said and told me that he really thinks I will be okay to go. He told me I needed to hurry and let them know so they could get everything figured out asap. As I was sitting on the couch talking to Melissa, I started crying. I told her this was so frustrating and I was so sick of being so sick and not being able to just go do anything I wanted to. I was torn on what to do. I knew if I felt this sick in Cabo it would be a miserable trip and especially a miserable flight. We were talking about praying and having my husband give me a blessing that night when he got home from work. I couldn't decide what to do. I wanted to go, but I knew how sick I was and thought I should maybe listen to my Dr. as well. Just as Melissa and I were discussing praying and what I should do, there was a knock at my door. I was still crying so Melissa hopped up to get it. When she opened the door, I turned around to see two LDS missionaries standing in my doorway. At first, I didn't think much of it cause they asked if we had any Spanish speaking members in our neighborhood. We told them no and we didn't know of any. They asked if there was anything they could do for us at this time and as soon as they said that I immediately thought, "ask for a blessing" and at the same time, Melissa turned to me, gave me this strange look, then told the missionaries to hold on for a second. She closed the door and asked me if it was okay to ask them to give me a blessing. I was like, "YES!!" She opened the door back up and asked them. We told them we didn't have another male member here. They told us to just pull up a chair in the doorway and they would give me one. So there I sat in my chair in the middle of my doorway, Melissa by my side and two missionaries preparing to give me a blessing. As soon as the blessing started, I immediately felt the spirit. My entire body was calmed and filled with peace and comfort. I was blessed with strength and that my symptoms I was dealing with would subside and that I would be comforted. I was told in my blessing that my prayers would be answered in accordance to my faith. There was more in the blessing, but this was the gist of it. Once the blessing was over and the elders left, Melissa and I sat down and were just in awe. We both had tears in our eyes. I told her I knew I would be okay to go on my trip. As long as I kept my faith in Heavenly Father, I would be okay. We were both just amazed at what just happened. That was literally and immediate answer to my prayers!! There I sat, crying to Melissa about my sicknesses and feeling so discouraged and talking about prayers and blessings, then missionaries show up at my house!! The church couldn't be more true. After this all happened I told Simon about everything and he was amazed. He felt the spirit when I told him and was so grateful.

(As I have mentioned before, I developed major anxiety and fear. The worst things to ever have. My anxiety is much better now, but I still have my moments. And have still struggled with fear. Fear of so many things. Not only that, keep in mind that getting up and walking around can be a huge task for me. Walking isn't just, an easy thing. Some days I am so nauseous and when I walk, it feels like the ground moves or I get super dizzy and loopy. My legs shake from being so weak. And I get exhausted real fast. Heat tends to make me feel really sick and faint also. And any sudden movements can make me want to vomit sometimes. So you can only imagine my thoughts about traveling to the airport, walking through the airport, flying on a plane more than once, going to Cabo in super hot weather, having the stomach pains I'd been having for weeks, heart palpitations, etc. Taking a trip with all this wouldn't be fun.) My worries and fears were outweighing my faith!! How could I ever let that happen!!? I felt like I was never going to get back to where I was before my major downfall back in December. Then... The missionaries showed up. Gave me a blessing. And reminded me of what I was lacking. Faith. No matter how much faith I think I have, it's not enough. And it hasn't been enough. Doubt takes my faith down daily. Without me even realizing this! My fears and doubts were weakening my mind, my strength and mostly, my faith. After receiving that blessing, I thought, "Through Christ, I can do all things." He is there. My prayers are heard every time I pray. My prayers are answered. Not always instantly, but some way somehow, they are ALWAYS answered. Some of them may not even be answered for years, or til the next life. But I know that they are heard and they will be answered when it is HIS time. Not mine.

Moving Forward -

Tuesday morning rolls around! Simon and I were up before 4 a.m. to catch our flight. Melissa took us to the airport and we were there by 6:30 a.m. We got all checked in and just waited for our flight. My body was aching so bad, stomach still slightly upset and my nerves felt shot. Once we finally boarded the plane, I felt a little more relieved. I kept remembering my blessings over and over in my head and doing energy work on myself throughout the flight. I tried to keep my mind busy with others things too, so I wouldn't get anxiety or start freaking myself out about things. By the time we got to Cabo, I was done. My body was hurting so bad I could barely walk. My stomach felt so sick and I just wanted to crawl in bed and sleep. I was so annoyed with everything and just wanted to go back home. I hated how I was feeling and it was SO hot! Our shuttle picked us up at the airport to take us to our resort in Cabo San Lucas. It was quite a little drive out there and our driver was flying like crazy ha. Which I was okay with, because I was just ready to be there. Once we arrived it took us probably another 20 minutes or so to get all checked in. We were driven to our villa in a golf cart and then we had to go up 3 flights of stairs. Finally we got to our room and I was SO happy!!

We walked in our room and it was beautiful!! I was so glad to be there finally and looking out from our patio was an incredible view of the resort and the ocean. It was so lovely! Even though I felt miserable, I was so grateful to be able to make it to Cabo with my amazing husband. He worked so hard to earn this trip and he deserved every bit of it.

We stayed in Cabo from Tuesday until Saturday. During our stay, I was determined to have fun and just relax. Most of the time I done OK. The heat got to me a lot and we had to go to our room once in a while to cool down. The pools were warm too so it was hard to cool down in them. Every morning I woke up I was exhausted and walking wasn't super great. I was pretty weak and all those stairs were a struggle. But I decided, I was in control and I was going to make it. Each day when I woke up and before I went to bed each night, I said a little prayer to help me through. I started saying a bunch of positive and healing affirmations in my mind over and over. When we first got to Cabo, I told my husband that going to Cabo and being in the sun and heat would help kill the Lyme and all the other bad things in my body.

Having Lyme really takes a toll on you physically, but also mentally. You HAVE to try and stay positive at all times. No matter what. You have to constantly remind yourself to stay calm, to not have any fear, otherwise anxiety and other things will take over your life. The adversary will try to tear you down day by day, thought by thought. This has been a HUGE struggle for me. And that is one reason why going to Cabo was "scary" for me. I wouldn't be home, close to my Dr. or close to anything for that matter. What if something happened? What if I got sicker? What if I feel miserable and can't enjoy my trip? All these questions popped in my head over and over. Until I received blessings and until I got to Cabo. I had to change my mindset and my thought patterns asap. I knew if I didn't, I would have a terrible time and just focus on being sick the whole time. Each day was a lot of work mentally. Just to get up and walk to breakfast was dreadful. But I did it. Every day we were there. And I survived. I focused on the heat making me feel good any time I walked outside. I focused on my body getting exercise daily and that it was good for my mind and my body. I repeated over and over in my mind that "I can do all things though Christ", "My faith outweighs my fear" and "I am fearless." This may seem like little things to some of you, but to me, they are more than that. This is my life. These struggles are real. And they can take you down at any moment. Whether it be the physical part of Lyme, the emotional part, spiritual part, or mental part. It can destroy you. IF you let it. And I will NEVER let that happen. Sure I still have moments where I break down and cry my eyes out, but who says being strong means you can't cry? Crying cleanses the soul. It helps release those frustrations and the anger that has been building up. That doesn't make you any less stronger.

Saturday when we finally returned home, my heart was so full of gratitude! I was so excited to be back in Utah. I never thought I would say those words, but boy I sure missed home! The trip was wonderful and so beautiful. It was an incredible experience for me and helped me break through my fears and worries about life and living with Lyme. It was what I needed.

So this is my conclusion of this story, Cabo is super hot, but beautiful. Blessings are incredible. Prayers will be answered in accordance to our faith. Without faith, we have nothing. Faith can move mountains. Anything is possible. Going on this trip helped me change. My mindset feels like it's getting back to where it used to be. I don't feel like I have this huge blockage anymore and that all these walls that have been building up around my have been shattered. I constantly told myself going to Cabo would help me heal. And I strongly believe that it did. Whether it's healing the Lyme, or healing something else. I felt like I reached a new point in my life and the fear was conquered. My mind is still in "Cabo mode". I constantly keep telling myself I am being healed, I am fearless, etc. I look back through this whole experience of being really sick right before my trip, the blessings I received and the love I felt from my Savior. No matter what happens or what fears come in our way, He is there. He knows and understands everything we are going through when nobody else does. He is the one to turn to in everything. He knows what we need in life. He knows what challenges will be placed in our path and He knows what we need to overcome them. He will never leave us. Keeping God close to us always with a grateful heart, positive mind and positive attitude can help us conquer anything. Of course we will still have trials in life and hardships, but our loads will be lightened by our hope. Our faith.

I know with all my heart that God is real. Our prayers are always heard. Trials come into our lives to help us learn. To help us grow. To help us become stronger. To shape us, to mold us.... into who we were brought on this earth to really be. I am learning more and more every day. I am learning more about my faith and what I can do to keep it strong at all times. I'm grateful for the trials I have had. Obviously they are miserable and being given the life I have been given, is challenging. BUT I know it's for a reason and to become the person I am meant to be, things had to happen in my life. Without them, my faith wouldn't be strong. I wouldn't understand many things. I wouldn't be as compassionate as I am for others. I wouldn't have my blog, my FB group, my support system, my life full of love without these experiences in my life.

I hope you all have enjoyed following my blog and that each of you may receive some sort of answers, inspirations or gained any amount of hope and faith from them. I genuinely appreciate each of you who read and share my blogs. I will continue to blog throughout my journey with Lyme and overcoming it and hope you can all continue to follow.

With much love and gratitude,

Nicole