When Giving Up Seems Like Our Only Option

I haven't been posting recently and have been way behind. Sometimes when you are super ill, blogging is the last thing on your mind. As most of you know, I was doing the "I Love My Body Diet". I haven't posted the rest of it on here yet I haven't decided whether or not I will. However, I recommend everyone doing it. It's an incredible journey and always you to really learn to love yourself.

I've been wanting to do a post lately, but couldn't decide where to start or if there was something specifically I've been wanting to say. I've been really sick this year.. It's definitely taking a huge toll on me. I know most people get sick of hearing that, but those who aren't dealing with a chronic illness, really have no idea what it is like.

I have decided that I want to share more awareness of Lyme Disease. I've learned so much during my life and I see how many people suffer from it. I see how much hurt and pain there is. I've met and talked with so many people who are suffering from this debilitating disease. It breaks my heart. I try to be strong and be good support for those who need it, but the truth is, it's HARD. When I can barely focus myself, or keep my thoughts in line, or barely move or do things myself, it is SO difficult to help lift others. It gets more exhausting all the time. But, I will never stop. I will never stop giving hope to everyone who is suffering. I will keep fighting and keep pushing others to fight. I will continue to be there for others, to help them through their troubles, to give them light and hope.

The last couple weeks have been really difficult. I've been in bed and have had a lot of time to pray, to seek for answers, to figure out what the next step is, to decide if it's worth fighting for my life or time to give up. In all honesty, giving up is what crossed my mind more than anything. There is only so much a person can handle in life. And I feel like I've reached my maximum level of trials and hardships. My faith has been pushed to the very edge. I'm hanging on by a fine thread of hope.

Day in and day out, I lay in bed. I tell myself it will be okay. I try to get up and do things and I fail. My body doesn't allow me to do what I want right now. Walking is difficult. It feels as if the floor/ground is constantly moving when I walk. It makes me extremely dizzy. Everything around me moves. When in real life, everything is standing still. My ears ring nonstop and I lose hearing. My mind goes crazy. My heart's growing weaker. My strength lessens each day I'm in bed. Some days, just trying to breathe normally is a difficult task. And on top of all of this, we just found out I have a cyst on my left over. They call it a haemorrhagic cyst. Which  means it's full of blood. I've been getting huge cysts for a while now, but they've been rupturing on their own. This one however, started out as the size of a golf ball, and as of this week, it is growing rapidly. I was in the ER the other day, because I was in severe pain. That's when I found out about the cyst growing and being full of blood. The Dr. told me to see a gyno right away. So on Monday, that's where I'm heading. Then we'll decide from there if surgery is what's needed or something else.

To some of you, this may seem like nothing. But when you're already dealing with serious illnesses, everything is intensified. I have cried many tears this week because the cyst has caused tremendous amounts of pain, causes my stomach to swell and feel super tight, and makes me sick to my stomach. I started thinking, "What am I doing wrong???" "What am I supposed to learn from all of this??" "How much more can my body take??"

All these questions going through my mind.. When in reality, I just want to quit; to give up. I don't want to do go through this anymore. Then today, it hit me... After many blessings, prayers, tears, breakdowns and pleadings to the Lord to help me.. I think I've realized more things that I didn't before. I've always known that everything happens for a reason, that our trials strengthen us, they makes us stronger in many ways and they build our testimonies of God. Well today, as I was laying here in bed, I prayed. I cried my eyes out. I begged for some relief and a some strength to go throughout this day. After my prayer, I searched talks from LDS General Conferences. I came across one called, "The Power to Heal from Within" by Merrill J. Bateman. I was immediately attracted to the title so I decided to read it.

I won't share the whole talk, but I will share some words that captured me. At one point, Merrill talks about what death teaches us and talks about the atonement.  He says, "Through Christ, broken hearts are mended and peace replaces anxiety and sorrow." Then mentions this scripture...

"As Isaiah stated concerning the Savior, “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our
sorrows: … And with his stripes we are healed” (Isa. 53:4–5)."

Merrill goes on to discus when the prophet Alma also spoke of Christ's healing powers. Alma stated that he would go forth "suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of eery kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people... And he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, ... that he may know according the the flesh how to succor his people" (Alma 7:11-12). Whatever the source of the pain, Jesus understands and can heal the spirit as well as the body.   

These words alone opened my eyes once again. These trials are hard. Being ill is extremely difficult. Times get so rough and giving up sometimes feels like that's all that is left. I am here to tell you, it is not. It's okay to have bad days, to cry, to breakdown, to feel undefeated... But we must never give up. Jesus truly knows what we are going through. He suffered SO much just so he could know and feel our deepest feelings, our deepest thoughts, our deepest troubles. HE KNOWS. We are never alone in our journey's, even though at times that is all we feel. I'm here to testify to every single one of you that He lives. Heavenly Father has created a divine plan for each of us. Although sometimes those plans aren't what we have in mind, they are for a purpose. They are to define us, strengthen us and prepare us. Prepare us for something so extraordinary that we don't even comprehend it right now. We are being prepared to go back to Him, to meet our Creator. And once that happens, nothing else will matter. We must take this time to really focus on what we came here to learn, serve others when we can, and draw ourselves closer to Him each and every day.

I know I will still have hard days ahead of me, but I know I can be healed. I know that through God, all things are possible. This may not mean being completely physically healed in this lifetime, but I can be healed in many other ways and I know He is by my side the whole way. Keep pushing through the hard times, keep praying and asking for answers. They will come when it is time. <3

Nicole