Since then, I've still had some really rough days. Days where I'm in bed all day dealing with dumb Lyme issues. And the breakdowns continue. They don't occur as often anymore, but they definitely still happen. As hard as days get and as much as I may cry sometimes, I still rely on the Lord and my faith in Him. I don't think a day has gone by since I've gotten pregnant where I haven't prayed to Heavenly Father. And I've now just realized this while typing. In my mind, pregnancy was not something I was ready for physically. Of course emotionally and mentally that's all I wanted. I wanted to be normal and be able to conceive a child with my amazing husband. When it happened, I was in shock. And I think I still am some days. But I knew that the Lord knew what He was doing regardless of how much suffering I was and still am going through. That day I found out, I had prayed so hard for a miracle to get better because I didn't want to die. I told Him I was putting all my faith in Him and needed a miracle so badly. When that positive sign showed up on my test, I knew in my heart, this was a miracle. I literally just witnessed a miracle. I know I've mentioned that in my last post, but every time I talk about it, I just feel the Spirit so strongly and know that Heavenly Father knows each of us so well. He knows us better than we know ourselves and knows what we are capable of overcoming and withstanding in this world. Even if that means we have to climb insanely steep mountains, suffer tremendously, or go through moments of uncertainty. Which is everything I've gone through. He is there along side us the whole entire time, even when we feel alone. And sometimes we need to feel that small moment of being alone. Just like our Savior felt when he was being crucified. He felt alone too. Just like we do during difficult times.
Every single day is unpredictable. I wake up and try to be as positive as I can. I tell myself I feel good and have the strength and energy to get up today. I have to do this throughout the day to keep me going when I feel like I can't. I turn to Heavenly Father many times during the day. I am constantly praying and reading to seek comfort and guidance. There are still days I want to quit and give up, but every time I think about this miracle growing inside of me, I think, "How can I give up?" I have everything to be fighting for. Not only this miracle baby, but my amazing husband. My family. I know that one day there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. I know this baby has been brought to us during this time for a reason. I know God has heard my prayers, even if it feels they haven't been answered. I know through the pain and sorrow there are blessings. I know my faith has constantly been tested over the last 2 years, and more now than ever, but I know there are big blessings in store. I have days where my faith has been at it's lowest, hanging by less than a thread, but I still keep praying and searching. I have everything to look forward to and have a wonderful family that will be started soon. I have to rely on Heavenly Father to make it through. Each day is a test of faith and will continue to be. It will also continue to strengthen me and shape me into the person that our Heavenly Father has sent me here to be.
I've been reading a lot about faith recently and the other day I came across an ensign article "A Time for Faith, Not Fear". I knew I had read it before, but felt so strongly that I needed to read it again. So I did. I was reading and then just started skimming through. Which is when I came across this - "Faith is a principle of action. The answers to prayer and the solutions to our problems generally come as we act, not while we are on our knees praying." Read that again. And just let that sink it. At first I thought, "How can I act when I am not physically able to do much at all??" "How is that fair?" Then it hit me... I've been sitting/lying here every day praying to Heavenly Father for answers and guidance. And I've been reading. I haven't really been "acting". I've kind of given up hope on Dr.'s, people, basically everything. I realized that I have to not only have faith in God, but I have to have faith in everyone and everything around me. I have to be proactive. I have to ACT. Whether this means do more research or reading or whatever, I have to keep acting and looking for the answers. They don't always come during a prayer. And That has disappointed me many times. It's left me feeling sad and impatient not knowing what to do. After reading this article I knew I had to do more and I can't expect an answer every single time I pray for one. I think we all get impatient at times and we want answers right then and there. We need to learn to trust, to have faith, to act. Facing the trials we do, builds faith and confidence. We grow more than we ever thought possible. And we learn to have faith in ourselves. Trusting God means trusting ourselves as well. Being a pregnant person with a chronic disease will not stop me, even on days when I feel like it will, because I have faith. And I know this experience will only continue to make me a better person and grow to become something more than I ever thought possible.
I hope each of you who read this will receive light and hope. I hope you will be inspired to ACT. Never give up because there is always one being on your side, God.
Love to all,
Nicole <3
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