Finding Hope While Living With Chronic Illnesses

It has been way too long since I have last posted in my blog! So much has happened since my last post that I don't know where to even start. I always wait to have some kind of inspiration 'til I write. I haven't felt that until this last weekend. Life has thrown some crazy curve balls that have left me feeling all sorts of emotions.

In my last post, I talked about my stay at the hospital in Idaho while my hubby was away in Germany. Once I got back home, my husband and I decided that we really needed to be strict with our diets because we know how crucial diet is, especially for me. People with diseases, illnesses, etc, are highly effected by the things we eat, drink, breathe and so on. We started the Whole30 diet. I was hoping this would really help my stomach issues and I couldn't prevent getting a scope next month. This diet is super strict for those of you who aren't familiar with it. After about 4-5 days of this diet, I got very sick. I started getting severe pain in my lower abdomen and I knew something was wrong. It finally started going away, but I could still feel it and feel a lot of pressure. It felt so weird. Throughout the next few days, I started feeling worse. My stomach felt worse, I was getting fevers and I became so nauseous. Everything got 30 times worse than before. Not only was all this going on, but we were supposed to be moving into our new apartment the same week.

My husband and his family were moving things on the 25th. I felt so sick, but didn't want to say anything while everyone was around. I felt like I had the flu, only extremely worse. I had never felt so much nausea in my life. We stayed our first night in our new place. I woke up around 5 a.m. I was in tears. The pain was so intense that I could hardly breathe. I was so sick to my stomach and could barely move. I tried to focus on being calm and forcing myself to go back to sleep. An hour later, I was still in tears and knew I needed medical attention asap. I woke my husband up and I could tell he wasn't super happy about it. He probably thought this was just our usual routine. When we got to the hospital, all I can remember is I felt like I was dying and wanted to get drugs in me as soon as I could. And for those of you who know me, I don't like taking meds at all. At this point, I think I was ready for everything.

I can't remember much myself, so I'm just going off what I do remember and what my husband told me :) Anyways, after giving me pain and nausea meds, I remember them drawing blood and wanting to do an ultrasound. Long story short, they found a massive cyst, about the size of a golf ball, on my right ovary. They also found that my liver was having some issues. All the enzymes were super high. They sent the tests off to have them cultured and make sure I didn't have hepatitis.

Hours later we finally were able to leave the hospital. In the meantime, I was supposed to take meds, rest and follow up with my regular Dr. Since then, I have been on pain and nausea meds every single day. I started getting very emotional and angry. (I blame a lot of this on the pain meds). Last Friday, I literally had reached my breaking point. I'm sure those of you who suffer from any type of illness whatsoever knows what I am talking about when I say breaking point. I don't mean a little crying session and feeling upset and then getting over it after eating some chocolate or ice cream. I mean a full on break down; hours of shedding tears, feelings of rage and anger, bitterness. etc. I literally lost it. I felt like something had completely just taken over me. (Normally, I would not tell people this, but I feel very prompted to do so. So please, no judgments, because this is all very real and it's my life). I started praying as hard as I possible could. I was literally begging Heavenly Father to help me; help me understand why I am going through this all and why it's been going on for so long. The tears wouldn't stop. The more I thought about everything I'd been going through, the more angry I got and the more I cried. I kept thinking about how my husband and I never go anywhere or do anything because of my health. It would make me more angry. I just wanted to be married and enjoy married life with my amazing husband. I wanted to be able to go to church every Sunday, go to the temple as often as possible, go visit people, drive, help serve others. I probably prayed for a total of 45 minutes to an hour that day. Possibly more. I felt so much sorrow and sadness in my heart. I was thinking of how much more life I used to have in me and how strong I used to feel the spirit. I felt like I had lost it all completely. I begged for comfort and for peace in my mind and my heart. I begged over and over to tell me what I needed to do. After moments of praying and breaking down, I felt more calm. But I still didn't feel anything else. I tried to regain my focus and clear my mind. Then my husband messaged me and suggested we ask our Branch President to come visit and give me a blessing. So I did.  (Also, before I forget, my family created an event on FB to invite everyone to do a fast for me the Monday before - so a week ago from today.) My BP messaged me back and said he would love to come over.

Later that night, our BP arrived and sat down to talk to us. We don't see him often due to the health issues I have been struggling with. We caught him up to speed with everything going on. He asked me if it was okay to let my Relief Society President be aware of my situation so she could check on me from time to time as well. We also discussed having the sacrament brought to our home on days I am not able to attend church. He told me I was too young to be going through everything I am and that it was time for me to get better. He gave Simon and I some advice and strongly encouraged us to stay close to the gospel. Not to let these trials pull us away.

After we finished talking, our BP gave me a blessing. I was expecting an overwhelming flood of emotions, feeling the spirit, and whatnot. But that's not what I got. I had taken medications before the blessing so I knew that was part of the reason I didn't feel much. But what I did get, was comfort. Peace. Direction. I was blessed with many things and also blessed that my Doctors and their staff would be guided in my healing, that they would know exactly what to do. I was blessed to have the patience to deal with all of this. I was told to pray often. To let this bring me closer to Him. The blessing was what I needed to hear. Every part of it. There were so many things that I think of now that really stuck out and were very powerful. I just didn't realize it at that exact moment.

Then of course, this last weekend was LDS Conference. I couldn't stay awake for all of it, but amazingly enough, I was awake for the talks that were meant for me. I won't go into too much detail of the talks, but I just know which ones were meant for me, right now in my life. Words from our Prophet, from our Apostles and other church members were spoken this weekend that have helped me to refocus my mind. To inspire me. To help me. And most of all, to give me hope. My mind has not been stable, especially this last week. And hearing the talks helped me to think a little more clear. To know that everything will be OK.

Though this last week has been one of the hardest weeks for me emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally, it has also been one of the best weeks. I didn't realize this until now. But I know deep in my heart, that every small or huge trial I have gone through, is part of God's plan for me. How amazing is it that God has created a specific plan for each of us? Our Heavenly Father loves each and every single one of us unconditionally. He knows who we are and what we need to reach our full potential on earth. This last week has changed a lot of things, not just for me, but for my husband too. We've always had an amazing relationship and a unique bond. But after moving to our new place, and dealing with these major health problems, something happened. Something that I can't exactly explain, but I know it has strengthened Simon and I's relationship. I thought I loved him before. But I love him so much more now. There is something about your eternal companion, that when you are at your absolute worst and you can't function at all, that when they take care of you non stop, dress you, do your hair for you, read scriptures to you and pray with you when you can't even stay away for all of it, that just makes your heart so full of love and gratitude. I was so angry and bitter about all the things that I haven't been able to do in life, especially doing things with my husband, that I forgot about all the things I can do. And all the things that have made us more spiritual and faithful people because of what we can't do due to my health issues. I knew Simon loved me before, but I had never felt it as strong as I did this last week. I can't tell him enough that he is my everything and without him, I wouldn't make it. It is not easy for him. He works full time, gone for 10 hours a day to his stressful job, then comes home and makes dinner, tends to my every need, then sits down to relax.

During all of this craziness this past week, my husband and I have had some long talks about everything that has happened, my feelings, his feelings, and so on. He told me that he felt so different with everything this last time. That he has found himself praying way more. He's felt the spirit more. He knows I will be safe while he is gone all day at work and that I will be watched over. And he told me that he is so sorry I have been going through so much, but he also knows that a lot of this is for him. He told me his love for me has become so much stronger and that all of this has changed his way of thinking and acting. When he told me this, my heart felt so full of love. I wish everyone could feel this. Or that everyone could understand what being severely ill does to a person. Sometimes, no matter how strong you think you are, you still break. And that's okay. Because we need these moments to help us recognize what pure happiness is. I've suffered for a very long time. And I know that I can and will be healed some day. I know I will have better days and I know I will have very bad days. But I also know that with the love of my Heavenly Father, I will never be alone in any of this as long as I allow Him to be there and help me. I know I have an amazing husband who will be there to support me and encourage me when I've lost all hope.

I hope this all makes sense to each of you. I'm still on meds so if there are a few things that seem strange, forgive me. I know I kind of bounced around with everything, but I just wrote what I have felt so far.

Today Simon took my to my Dr.'s appointment. We were there for quite a while, but it was all worth it. She told us we needed to bring out the big guns and get more serious with everything we're doing. She said we weren't going slow anymore and we were going to get me feeling better. She created a new plan for me. I have an 8 week detox program I am doing and she put me on a few prescription meds along with many supplements. For those of you who know me, I typically only do natural treatments. But today at my appointment, I felt that I needed to do everything the Dr. threw at us. And that is what I will be doing. She told me the next 2-3 could be really rough, but I will start feeling better afterwards. This was the first appointment I think I have ever had where I felt HOPEFUL. No joke. Everything felt right and I knew that the Lord has guided my Dr. in every step she felt was needed.

After my appointment, I finally felt some peace. I felt like my life will get better and my body will become whole again. Even though these trials have made me breakdown to the point of not wanting to go on anymore, I know in my heart that this is all a part of God's plan. I know that we are never alone in anything as long as we ask for help. I know at times, I've wanted to give up completely, but I can't. And I won't. No matter how hard life has been for me, I've learned so many things through my trials. And I have learned that a lot of my trials are not always for me. They are to help others. And I'm okay with that. The Lord knows each of us individually. He knows exactly what we are capable of and knows how much we are able to handle. If the Lord trusts me enough to go through all of the pain, the sorrow, the misery, the sadness, the sicknesses, and so on, then I trust Him enough to know that it's part of His plan for me. To mold me into the person I was brought here to be.

I guess after everything I just wrote about, what I want to share with people is that there are times we have lost all hope, all faith. There are moments where we are suffering so much that we feel as if we cannot bare anymore in our lives and we can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. But guess what? There is always a light at the end. We just have to allow that light to be seen. We have to know that no matter what we are dealing with in life, God is the light. And when that light begins to dim and eventually disappear, we must open our hearts and pour out our souls to Him. We must believe in Him and trust in His plan. He can only help us as much as we allow Him to. He can only help us as much as our faith allows. If we have little faith, we get little results. It's only when we have as much faith as possible that miracles can happen.

I fully believe in God and know miracles happen. I know that I have suffered much in my life and know that I still may have times where I continue to suffer. But I also know now, more than ever before, that it depends on me and my faith that will help take that suffering away. We can't expect God to heal us or help us if our faith is but small and we aren't living up to our full potential in any circumstance.

I hope and pray that anyone who has dealt with Lyme, or any kind of illness whatsoever knows that they are watched over. Know that there is a God who is constantly there, know that you are loved and that there is a plan just for YOU. I know that one of the reasons I have gone through all of this is for other people. I know that by reaching out to others and sharing my story plays a huge role in my plan. I want people to know that there are others out there who have suffered just as much, or even more than they have. I also want people to know that I am always here for support if any of you need it. I want people to feel comfortable and know that it's okay to reach out to others. I feel very inspired to give people my email address and any of you who need someone to talk to, guidance, direction or just a friend, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Love and healing to everyone,

Nicole

FB Group - *All About Lyme - Holistic Healing*
Instagram - nicole_fay26
Email address - life_of_hope@yahoo.com