As most of you know, a few weeks ago I had made some huge progress. Until about 9ish days ago. On the 15th, my husband flew to Germany for work. My mom came and got me so I could stay with her for the week and go see one of my favorite Dr.'s in Idaho. I hadn't been feeling well at all. My stomach was causing major problems. I was feeling super weak again. All these things kept happening and I knew I was going to crash hard. I got to my moms Thursday evening. Come Sunday morning I woke up and could barely walk to the bathroom. My heart was racing fast and pounding hard. While I was in the bathroom, I prayed. I prayed to be guided in what to do. I truly hate hospitals and didn't want to go. But I felt so sick. As soon as I finished praying, I heard a faint whisper if you will, that said "If you trust me, go to the hospital". I couldn't deny what I was told. I came out of the bathroom and told my mom we needed to go. I had really been struggling the last few days so she knew exactly what I meant. We got our things together and headed to the ER.
It didn't take long before they got us in. My stomach pain had been so bad and I was so weak. Any time my heart feels "different", I know it's nothing to be messed with. At this point, I was just ready to lay there and get fluid in me asap. After explaining everything to the nurse, she went and spoke with the Dr. He then came in and immediately, I felt so much peace. Regardless of how much pain and sickness I felt, I knew I was told to come to the hospital for a reason. The nurse and Dr. were so kind. Some of the kindest staff I've ever had to deal with. They immediately started me on anti nausea meds and pain meds. I asked them to only do half of what they were going to 'cause I hate how drugs make me feel. She said that wasn't a problem at all and if I ended up needing more, just let them know.
I could feel the meds slightly, but not like I normally would. After I finished talking to the Dr., he stepped out and the lab came to draw my blood. The nurse gave me one more med to "reduce acid". Not two seconds after it was injected in me, my stomach pains got 20 times worse. I could hardly breathe. It killed to move. I told my nurse and she immediately gave me the rest of my pain meds. She went to talk with the Dr. and by the time she got back, the pain hadn't subsided one bit. They ended up giving me MORE pain meds, which at the time, I was in so much pain I didn't even care anymore. It took some time before I felt the pain disappearing, but after a while, it finally got better and I wasn't crying anymore. So that was great :)
They done all kinds of tests, scans, etc. and then the Dr. came back in my room and talked to me for a while. We discussed Lyme Disease and all the other issues I have with it. He was so caring and understanding. (This hardly EVER happens, just so you all know.) He told me he was going to admit me to the hospital because they wanted to do some more extensive testing and just keep an eye on me overnight. They also wanted to keep fluids in my because I was so dehydrated. (Yes people, I drink plenty of water. All the time. But for some reason, my body doesn't like to stay hydrated.)
Finally I got up to my room and they gave me more meds. And to be honest, I can't quite tell you what went on from there. All I know is more tests were done and lots of fluids were given. After I was released the following afternoon, my mom and I grabbed some food and headed back to her place. Right after I ate, I got sick. And that continued for the rest of the day. I was still pretty out of it so the next few days were blurry. I woke up one morning, and could hardly breathe. My chest was so heavy and when I tried to get up, it just felt like someone kept trying to push me down. I thought, "Seriously? Why?" I was so irritated that it was constantly one thing after another. I think it was that same day that my mom took me to my Dr. appointment. Where later that day I found I had H Pylori, a bunch of parasites, issues with my liver, etc. On a positive note, the Lyme was NOT showing up. This obviously excited me. However, that didn't mean it was gone. But still gave me hope. My numbers for Epstein Barr Virus were still super high. I was told I needed to be tested for the MTHFR Gene Mutation. I was told that infertility could also be an issue. Also, I was told to have my apartment checked for mold asap because there were things showing up in my body that could be caused my mold in my place. Oh, and not to mention, going to Mexico to get treated may be my best option. Sounds exciting right? ;) Even though I wasn't healed and my tests clearly showed some major issues still, I still felt hopeful.
Skipping through the rest and fast forwarding to my mom bringing me back to Utah. I came home the same evening as my husband. My mom left shortly before he got home. I was so excited to see him. It made everything else go away for a short moment. That always happens when he comes home. I feel safe and feel like everything will be okay. He brings me such peace and I am so grateful for that. And it felt good to be home. Even though we have mold here ha.
So since I have been back home.. Which has been about a week now... I have felt miserable. Well, mostly. Sunday I woke up and felt like I was dying. I can't describe what my body felt like, but it was almost unbearable. I stayed in my bed almost the whole day. I felt so angry and so bitter. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and throw things. I couldn't remember the last time I had all these horrible feelings inside of me. I was so aggravated. I felt so mad. I kept thinking over and over in my head that I cannot go on like this anymore. I couldn't take it. My emotions were all over the place that day and so were my thoughts. I couldn't think clearly whatsoever. All I knew is that I needed to pray. I needed to try to calm myself and to have the strength to do so. But these other feelings of anger and hatred were becoming so overbearing that I couldn't shake them. I couldn't stop crying. I just needed to let it all out. So I did. Alone in my room. On my bed. Tears flooded my pillow and I didn't care. I couldn't stop and I knew it needed to be "released".
Later that day my husband came in our room and we talked for a while. It gave me comfort and I started feeling less angry with everything. I asked him for a blessing because I knew at this point, it was my only hope. The second he laid his hands upon my head, I could feel it. I could feel the peace and comfort going throughout my body. Even though my mind was not clear or in the right place, my blessing made it possible for me to remember the words which were said. The hope that was given. And the spirit that was felt. Shortly after my blessing, my head started feeling better. The sickness I could feel in my head was slowly fading. I knew getting a blessing that night was what I needed most.
Yes.. I'm telling you all of this because I want you all to know that it can and it will be hell when dealing with diseases or other illnesses. It isn't pretty. It isn't funny. And it doesn't always bring out the best in you. However, you cannot give up. It's okay to have breakdowns, to scream, to cry, to feel angry. It's okay to be upset. We need to express our emotions and we need to let it out. Obviously in a safe way. But we can't hold in everything we feel. When we feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel, think again. Because I know for me, every other time I have felt that I cannot go on any longer, my eyes were opened and hope was revealed. There are moments where you think you can't keep going. That it will never end. That people will never understand what you are going through.. But that is where we are wrong. It will end. One day it will all end. And there is ALWAYS one person who completely understands what we are going through. HIM. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows every thought we have, every ounce of pain we feel, every tear we shed. He is our comforter. He guides us, if we listen. No matter what we are going through, we have someone to turn to, to lean on, to trust. We must have faith in all things. Times will occur where our faith and patience will be tried. Tried so hard that we will want to give up, stop believing, stop hoping. But we can't. Because if we do, we won't grow. We won't become stronger. We won't be molded into the perfect humans that we were brought here to be molded into. We won't become more loving, have more compassion and be more humbled.
We cannot give up. With the Lord on our side, we can do all things. We must align our will with God's. And have the faith that it will all work out. I know I still struggle at times and feel like all hope is lost, but I will never give up and never stop fighting to become healed. I truly believe all things can be done through Him. And I can be healed. And so can each of you. When you feel all alone and no one in the entire world can understand you or feel what you are going through, He can. Always remember that and you'll never lose.
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