As I have been sitting here doing some research today, I've come across a lot of things about Lyme and how it makes you feel, especially emotionally. There have been a lot of negative things discussed and how horrible it is, debilitating, etc. And yes, this is absolutely true. This disease can be VERY debilitating.
My goal when I started this blog and my FB Group was to give people hope and to help them. I want there to be more love and positive outlooks on life especially when suffering from chronic diseases/illnesses. However, trying to constantly stay positive and help others isn't always easy. I've decided today I want to talk about what it's like for me specifically. What it can be like every day.
My Lyme Confessions
#1 - I truly despise Lyme. I don't know why or how I got it, but I did. Over 20 years ago and wasn't diagnosed until 2011. Seriously one of the most frustrating things ever! I sometimes wonder why it took so long to diagnose me and if I would've been diagnosed sooner, could I be healed by now?
#2 - My emotions get the best of me sometimes. I had to quit my job back in February and I haven't worked since. This was the worst thing ever. I have never had to quit my job due to being ill. There are times when I missed weeks of work, but luckily I was blessed to have such understanding bosses. When it got to this point, I felt like a failure. A huge failure. I felt like my world was slowly caving in. I couldn't be this super independent person and do whatever I wanted to anymore. I moved away from my family and part of me felt like I needed them. I was engaged at this time and thinking about getting married and planning it made me sick to my stomach. I would think to myself, "why would all this happen now?" "why?" It didn't make sense to me and I would get so upset and angry. I could feel my confidence, positive attitude, faith, hope, strength, everything start to dwindle. I became really hard on myself. Because I physically was not able to do pretty much anything at all, even take a simple shower or bath, I doubted everything about myself. Including my love for myself.
#3 - I felt inadequate to get married. In the past, I always wanted to marry an amazing man and start a family. However, when I would have my flare ups or feel super ill while dating someone, I told myself, "I can't let this become somebody else's burden.I would feel horrible if they had to deal with this." So deep down, I probably sabotaged my relationships. (Which I'm completely okay with now). I didn't know how in the heck I was going to feel good enough to go to the Temple and be sealed to my sweetheart if I couldn't even get out of bed most days. I didn't know how I was going to be a good enough wife. I felt so undeserving of my fiance (at the time). I wanted to be the best fiance and the best wife ever. I just doubted everything about this and constantly feared it wouldn't work.
#4 - I began to love myself less. Lyme messes your brain up big time. Your thoughts become so mixed/messed up sometimes. Because of all these things I had to give up or quit in my life, I felt no good. No good for anything besides keeping my bed warm. Before my last flare up or episode, I felt like I could conquer the world. I had been working so hard on loving myself and everyone around me. I had been doing a lot of energy work, going to the temple, praying, reading, meditating, etc. I felt good even on days I felt bad. But this all changed. It hit me harder than it's ever hit me in my life and I wasn't mentally prepared for any of this. I started having unhealthy thoughts about myself.
#5 - I felt so alone. I sat home alone all day and still do. Monday through Friday. And let me tell you, it's probably one of the hardest things to deal with some days. Like the last week. I have been feeling so sick and all I've been doing is laying on my couch, watching TV. Hardly moving all day long. It really gets to a person. I've cried A LOT. I want to just go lay out by the pool or go lay outside, be somewhere else, have my mom here, etc. But I don't. My legs have been in so much pain, my back hurts, I have pressure in my head, upset stomach, sore neck, etc. Being alone all day really is no fun after a while. And I'm going on 6 months now.. What I would give to be zoning every day or working again.
#6 - I miss being social. I love people! I love meeting new people. I enjoy being around others who make me laugh or make things feel better. I was attending church almost every Sunday before now. I was attending the temple almost weekly. I would go on dates, go out to dinners, movies, parties, etc. I've kissed that goodbye.
#7 - I miss food. Holy cow!! I cannot tell you how hard it is not being able to enjoy what you like. It sounds silly to some, but food is something I love! Why does it have to be so bad?? Why can't I enjoy a splurge now and then?? If I do, I'm sick for who knows how long and it takes days, sometimes weeks to recover from something as small as a cookie or brownie. My digestive system has gone through so much and with Lyme, you have to be SOO careful on your diet.
#8 - I miss my old self. I use to be so active. Constantly working out, being active outdoors, having lots of energy, etc. The thought of working out makes me sick now. When you have to change your life completely, it hurts. It really does. I don't care what people say, it's not easy.
#9 - I really want a family someday. The thought of becoming a parent scares me. Lyme can be passed through to the children and yes, it scares me. I am constantly worrying about if I will be able to even have children due to everything. And if I do, how am I going to take care of them by myself while my husband is at work?? All these thoughts almost constantly run through my mind. I want to be a great mom. I want to enjoy having a family. I don't want my children to get this disease from me.
So, these are some of my confessions. Lyme is not easy and never will be. As I was writing my confessions, I started crying the second I began #1. It is hard, really, really hard sometimes. And I know there are many people out there who suffer just like I do and have. I know there are some people who struggle more too. While it is still so important to have a good, positive attitude, we are still human. We have feelings and we have times where we aren't strong. And that is OKAY. Without having these feelings, we wouldn't realize how wonderful life is during the times we do feel okay or feel great. We'd have nothing to compare it to and we wouldn't know what gratitude truly meant. Even though I have these feelings, does not mean I don't believe I can be healed and doesn't mean that I am going to give up. And here are my reasons why.
Confessions to my confessions
#1 - I really do truly despise Lyme. However, I know this is part of the plan for ME here on this earth. I also know that these trials are for other people and not just me.
#2 - My emotions really do get the best of me. I know I had to quit my job and I felt like a failure in life. However, at the time I was engaged to an incredible man. Seriously, I have no idea what I would have ever done without him in my life. Ever. He has been the biggest blessing and I thank my Heavenly Father every single day for him and all that he has done and all that he still does. He made everything okay. Without his love and support, I couldn't have done it. I tell him how much I love him constantly and I can never describe in words the love I have for him. My heart is so full of gratitude to him and to my Heavenly Father for bringing him in my life.
#3 - I may have felt inadequate to get married, but I got married :) Those feelings are normal for anyone who deals with Lyme or anything like it. When we can't be 100%, we don't love ourselves 100%. We are way too hard on ourselves. No matter how sick we are, we still have to love ourselves. And please don't forget that! Life is about learning and loving. We have to remember that through trials, we are learning things constantly, whether we recognize it at the time or not. I know for me, as I look back now, I have learned so much! And I know I will never be the same person I was before, because in learning, I've grown. My husband has helped me along the way too. He's the one person I can tell everything too and cry my eyes out and he can still comfort me and make me feel better. Him knowing my feelings and thoughts have been super important. I used to just hold most my feelings in, but he has helped me to become more open about how I'm feeling. He wants to hear how I'm really feeling, whether it's good or bad. He loves me and cares about me just as much as I love and care about him.
#4 - I am working on loving myself more. I try not to be so hard on myself or always think it's because of me or this illness. Loving yourself more means others love you more.
#5 - I still feel alone. On days where I can't do much and just sit or lay here, my mind does slightly wonder and I get super lonely. Even though I feel like I'm alone and it gets depressing, I know I'm really not alone and I will pray to my Father in Heaven. And I still have something to look forward to... My husband coming home. All day I sit here trying to keep my mind of things and keep busy somehow, but nothing will ever compare to that feeling when my husband walks through the door. The second he gets home I feel safe and so loved. I still get butterflies when I see him. I am so thankful for every second I get to spend with him. No matter how much I tell him this, he will never understand how he truly makes me feel or the amount of gratitude I have for him and all that he does for me.
#6 - I miss attending church every Sunday and going to the temple often. Again, not being able to go all the time only makes me more grateful for when I do get to go. And I know one day I will be able to become the social little butterfly I used to be ;)
#7 - Food. Seriously.. I'm craving bad food as I type this. One day I know I will be able to enjoy more food. One day.
#8 - I know I may never get back to my "old" self, but I will have a "new" self. And I will enjoy all the activities I used to and then some.
#9 - Having a family.... Still a tender subject. I've always wanted nothing more than to be a stay at home mom and raise a beautiful, healthy family. Here is what I have concluded.. If I do get to have children, I will be forever grateful and if for some reason the Lyme is passed on, I've learned so much that I will be able to help treat and cure it. If having children myself isn't an option, other options are available. Though I still have some fears about becoming a mom, regardless how it happens, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that I am a true daughter of God and that I have a define plan and purpose on this earth. I know with all my heart. I trust in the Lord and I know that He trusts me and He knows me best, so I'm ready for whatever plan is in store for me.
I apologize this post was so long, but I felt inspired to share these with you. These are very personal things and although some things I don't want to share, it felt good to talk about it and be reminded of blessings that come from trials. Thanks for reading and following my blog!
~Nicole~
No comments:
Post a Comment