Lately, life has been pretty good and I've been feeling okay. My husband and I have started doing do something almost every night. We've been going for evening drives and a couple walks. I can't tell you all how much this has helped me and has made me SO grateful! And can I just tell you all how huge of an accomplishment this is for me?! Seriously though. It wasn't too long ago and getting out of the house was a major task. It happened maybe once a week, if that. I force myself to get up and get out of the house, even if I don't feel real well. There is just something about getting out of the house, getting fresh air and seeing the beautiful things Utah has to offer. It makes my soul feel happy even when I don't feel well. I feel so blessed to have these little opportunities that may mean nothing to some people, but mean so much more to me. I am grateful to spend so much quality time with my husband and to be reminded of the wonderful things God has created.
Pondering on my life and this blog, I've come to realize some important things. Blessings. I've discussed blessings before and how having trials brings blessings, which couldn't be more true. Just writing this right now is bringing tears to my eyes. Not exactly tears of sadness, but tears of hope and gratitude. I look back at the person I used to be and the life I was living to my life now. Yes it is difficult. Living with a disease that is debilitating is never easy. Not for the person with the disease or the people around them. But I can tell you this... Living with Lyme has made me stronger. It's made me grow in many ways, especially spiritually. I've learned so much about myself and the person who I am supposed to be. The person He has wanted me to become. I've learned how to love people no matter what, be thankful in every situation, and to continuously love myself.
Obviously from my previous posts, Lyme makes your mental state not so great, so yes there are times when you don't love yourself and don't love life.. And sometimes it doesn't even feel like it's you who is really thinking/feeling these things. It can be a roller coaster of emotions as I'm sure everyone with a disease or illness can attest to this. For me, the last few days have been so emotional! I can't even really explain why I feel more emotional than usual. Inadequacy is an emotion that often hits me hard. Especially the last few days. I keep thinking back to when I was working as a store manager, having a great income, and pretty much doing whatever I want. It's completely opposite now. I stay at home all day every day. Days I feel good enough I try and find things to keep my busy or at least keep my mind distracted. I think I've been emotional lately because I want change. I want nothing more than to feel great and do accomplish anything I want. I've realized that maybe I can't accomplish and do exactly everything I want, but I've learned that I can start praying more about what I'm supposed to do or supposed to learn at this point in my life RIGHT NOW. I've felt like I'm missing something or supposed to be doing something, but don't know what. However, I know it will come to me eventually and in that process I will just learn so much more about myself and notice the little blessings along the way.
I want to become a mom, so, so bad. I don't know when that will happen or if that will ever happen. And this makes me feel inadequate. I have fears of not being able to ever have kids, fears of not feeling good enough to take care of them once they are born, fears of not being a good enough mom. I'm sure most moms feel this way at one point or another. My amazing husband has given me so much peace and comfort. I don't think he even realizes how much. I explained my feelings to him about all of this stuff the other day. He told me regardless of what happens, it will be okay. He helped me remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and He knows what I can and can't handle. He knows me better than I know myself. I have to remember I constantly need faith and patience. It truly doesn't matter when we want something in life. It is all in His timing. Our timetable is NOT the same as His. Never has been and never will be. I know as long as I keep doing what I'm supposed to and doing all I can to draw myself closer to Him every single day, I will continue to be blessed. If I didn't have any of the trials or ever been diagnosed with Lyme and other illnesses, I wouldn't be this grateful. I wouldn't have the love and the appreciation that I do for life itself. It's so precious and it goes by so fast. I'm still learning new things every day and am still fighting Lyme. But I have a heck of a support system full of wonderful people and love. I know healing will not come fast, but I know that throughout my journey, I'll continue to become a stronger, more faithful and just all around better person.
I just want to again thank EVERYONE who has been reading and following my blog. I will try to update more often. I am so grateful for the love and support I have received from everyone and I pray that my blog can help each of you in some way.
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Lots of love,
Nicole
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