The other day I woke up feeling AWFUL. I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay in there all day and just sleep everything away. I just knew it was going to be a rough day. I talked myself into getting up and at least going to the couch. As I was sitting there watching television, I started crying. For a moment I thought to myself, "This is never going to end." "Am I ever going to get better?" I felt SO discouraged. I felt angry, bitter, sad, mad, you name it, I felt it.
My mom called me and we were talking. I started crying harder and just started telling her everything I was feeling. I told her how sick I was of being so sick. I didn't understand anymore why I had to go through this anymore. I just didn't get it. I wanted everything to be better. I wanted to be better. I wanted Lyme to go away. I wanted every ailment in my body to disappear. I even told my mom I didn't want to have kids. (For those of you who know me, know I LOVE kids and always have.) I told her I couldn't take care of a child feeling this way. She felt really bad. She told me I have struggled for so many years and she wished I was better. She just wanted to come take care of me. She had to go and said she would call me in a little bit to see how I was doing.
After getting off the phone with my mom, I had this thought "seek His help". I went to my bedroom and knelt down. I was sobbing. I tried as hard as I could to get my words out and say a prayer. I told Him I was sorry for not seeking Him sooner and I needed Him. I couldn't do this anymore. I need to be better so I can be a good wife and a mother some day, because that's all I want. I want to be healed so I can at least be able to take care of my future kids when it comes that time. I simply asked for help... Shortly after I started calming down and quit crying.. later that day I felt better than I had earlier.. I thought "Wow.. That's what He wanted.. He just wanted me to talk to Him.. To ask for His help."
I thought it was so silly of me to forget that He wants me to seek His helps always. There are times I am beyond exhausted and can't read or pray, or I feel too sick to do so.. But why do I keep myself from getting help?? Clearly, a simple prayer, pouring my heart out is all it takes sometimes. Not long after I had said my prayer, I got more energy. I was able to clean my house, even though I had to do a small bit at a time, rest, then do more, I was still able to get it done. As I was making my bed, I had the strongest feeling. I felt like someone was standing next to me with their hand upon my shoulder and I heard " It will be okay." I started crying again. Only this time it was a good cry. It was a cry of hope, faith and comfort.
I was able to go throughout the rest of my day without any major problems. Later that night as I laid in bed, I had a feeling to read the new Ensign for July. I was looking through the articles and one that stuck out immediately was called, "Faith in God's Plan for Me" by Jessica George. I thought that sounded perfect. This is what the article says:
I grew up near Kirtland, Ohio, and have always had a strong testimony of the events that occurred at this early Church site. The Kirtland Temple, Newel K. Whitney store, and nearby John Johnson farm all have a special spirit about them. For me, however, the stone quarry is the most meaningful site.
Located just a few miles down the road from the Kirtland Temple is a calm little river. Drill marks in the rock next to the river were likely made years after the Saints left Kirtland, but those marks are still a reminder of the purpose this area served in providing stone for the temple. While growing up, I could never explain why this site had such a deep impact on me. It would be years until I understood why it did.
At the time I left to serve a mission in Argentina, my life was just the way I felt it was supposed to be. My college experience had gone well, and I planned on being able to graduate after just a couple of semesters when I returned home from my mission. But about a year into my mission, I got terribly sick and was sent home with an honorable medical release. Further tests revealed that my heart wasn’t functioning properly. My symptoms were life changing and, unfortunately, untreatable. I became so weak that I had to be in bed for most of the day. Suddenly, everything was different.
I thought about my future and wondered, “Why me? Why did this have to happen?” I felt that my desires and plans had been good, and I didn’t understand why I had to undergo a trial that changed those plans.
Time passed slowly. Weeks turned to months, months turned to years, and my health remained poor. By painfully struggling through one class at a time, I eventually finished school. Through the years, however, I began to see that while this was not the future I had anticipated, it was exactly the life God had planned for me. It was then that the importance of the stone quarry I had known from early in my life began to unfold in my mind. I could see parallels between my experience and that of the early Saints who had worked in that quarry.
Today when people visit the stone quarry, they can see the Kirtland Temple in all its glory just down the road. The early Saints did not have that privilege. Their sacrifice and work were done without the end result, the finished temple, in sight. They likely could not envision that this temple would be the first of hundreds that would fill the earth and bring eternal blessings to God’s children all over the world. They saw only the tools in their hands and the thousands of pounds of rock that needed to be removed. Yet their faith was strong, and they knew their sacrifice would bring forth great blessings.
From those early Saints I learned that in every life there must be a “stone quarry”—a time and place where we must sacrifice and work before we can see the blessings.
Although I can’t see the blessings that will come because of my trials, I know I can trust in God’s will for me. And because of the example of those early Saints working in the stone quarry, I know that if I press on, blessings will soon come into view. I am so grateful for the lesson the stone quarry taught me that I can have faith in God’s plan for me even without the end in sight.
This article was so clear to me that night. I had always had a different life planned for me. Always. I never focused so much on the life God had planned for me. And at this moment in my life, it may not be what I had planned and there has been a lot of suffering. And I'm sure there will still be more. But like Jessica mentioned in the 3rd to last paragraph, the Saints did not have the privilege of seeing the temple without all the hard work and sacrifice. This made me think about my life and my own struggles and sacrifices. I had this peaceful feeling that although I've had all these trials and tribulations, the end result will be glorious. Whether it be in this life or the next life, there will be great blessings. I too, like Jessica, have complete trust in God's plan for me. If it means going through trials to reach the glory and those incredible blessings, then all I can do is continue to pray always and not lose faith. I've learned a lot in my life and have become closer to Thee because of my trials. I may have hard days that seem like they won't end, but they will.And always remember:
Nicole~
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