Hi all!!
As most of you know, from my previous posts, I mention that I typically write a post when I feel inspired. I don't want to write every single day and bore people with my nonsense ;). However, this post won't do that. I have been dying ALL week to get back home from Cabo to write this post!! You guys don't even know my excitement!
Since my wonderful husband and I got back from our Idaho reception the second weekend in July, I have been super struggling. Some days I would feel okay, other days I was miserable and so sick. I couldn't even get off the couch. I know, that's not uncommon for me. But the last couple weeks were worse in certain areas. Like my stomach for instance. I was having severe nausea, stomach pains, weakness, dizziness, etc. I was having a hard time eating anything. Everything tasted gross to me or tasted "not normal". I was so so so tired. Fatigue is no fun. Ever. My body had been stressed from all the physical work I done at the reception and just the stress in receptions itself! Lyme + stress = major problems.
I was so sick to my stomach and could not figure out what the heck was going on. With Lyme Disease, typically you get pain anywhere and everywhere at anytime. But it usually isn't so constant or painful (for me in my stomach area). Last week I felt like death. The pain was so bad and I was so weak. My amazing friend Melissa came to hang out with me last Thursday (I think) and she took me to see my Dr. They ran some tests and when results came back my Dr. was like, "Oh... Well, okay." I asked her what was up. She said that my body was losing Ketones. I wasn't very familiar with this so she went on to explain that basically my body wasn't getting enough nutrients cause I wasn't eating enough and whatever I was eating, it wasn't being absorbed. So what was happening was that my stomach was running out of nutrients to digest so it literally started digesting my stomach muscles. "GROSS" is what I thought. I told her it felt like my stomach was eating itself and she said, "well, that's because it basically is". Haha. Makes sense! Anyways, she was telling me all these things to do and if I wasn't better by Monday to go back in, because Tuesday I was supposed to be leaving for Cabo!!
It was either that same night I went to the Dr or the next night, I woke up in the middle of the night, burning up, stomach hurting so bad, heart pounding super fast and shaking like crazy! I thought to myself, "You have got to be kidding. I have to go to Cabo soon and I'm so sick!!" I woke my husband up and we went to the emergency room. They gave me pain meds, nausea meds and lots of fluid. Everything else looked fine. We got home around 5 a.m. or so and I slept pretty much the whole next day. It was night to be able to finally sleep cause sleeping isn't my strongest point. :) Throughout the weekend I still struggled. I kept taking my meds and supplements and tried to eat super light things. Monday rolled around and I felt A-W-F-U-L. My friend took me back to my Dr. and she immediately said I need to get a CT scan. We talked about things for a bit and she told me she really wouldn't advise me going to Cabo. I somewhat felt relieved, because let's be honest here, who wants to go on a trip OUT of the country when you are super sick?? NOT ME. I really wanted to go to Cabo, but I knew I should probably listen to my Dr. as well.
I told Simon while he was at work what my Dr. had said. He obviously wasn't super thrilled about it and talked to his boss about my situation. His boss had already purchased everything and didn't know if we could get a refund for us or not. Simon told me what his boss said and told me that he really thinks I will be okay to go. He told me I needed to hurry and let them know so they could get everything figured out asap. As I was sitting on the couch talking to Melissa, I started crying. I told her this was so frustrating and I was so sick of being so sick and not being able to just go do anything I wanted to. I was torn on what to do. I knew if I felt this sick in Cabo it would be a miserable trip and especially a miserable flight. We were talking about praying and having my husband give me a blessing that night when he got home from work. I couldn't decide what to do. I wanted to go, but I knew how sick I was and thought I should maybe listen to my Dr. as well. Just as Melissa and I were discussing praying and what I should do, there was a knock at my door. I was still crying so Melissa hopped up to get it. When she opened the door, I turned around to see two LDS missionaries standing in my doorway. At first, I didn't think much of it cause they asked if we had any Spanish speaking members in our neighborhood. We told them no and we didn't know of any. They asked if there was anything they could do for us at this time and as soon as they said that I immediately thought, "ask for a blessing" and at the same time, Melissa turned to me, gave me this strange look, then told the missionaries to hold on for a second. She closed the door and asked me if it was okay to ask them to give me a blessing. I was like, "YES!!" She opened the door back up and asked them. We told them we didn't have another male member here. They told us to just pull up a chair in the doorway and they would give me one. So there I sat in my chair in the middle of my doorway, Melissa by my side and two missionaries preparing to give me a blessing. As soon as the blessing started, I immediately felt the spirit. My entire body was calmed and filled with peace and comfort. I was blessed with strength and that my symptoms I was dealing with would subside and that I would be comforted. I was told in my blessing that my prayers would be answered in accordance to my faith. There was more in the blessing, but this was the gist of it. Once the blessing was over and the elders left, Melissa and I sat down and were just in awe. We both had tears in our eyes. I told her I knew I would be okay to go on my trip. As long as I kept my faith in Heavenly Father, I would be okay. We were both just amazed at what just happened. That was literally and immediate answer to my prayers!! There I sat, crying to Melissa about my sicknesses and feeling so discouraged and talking about prayers and blessings, then missionaries show up at my house!! The church couldn't be more true. After this all happened I told Simon about everything and he was amazed. He felt the spirit when I told him and was so grateful.
(As I have mentioned before, I developed major anxiety and fear. The worst things to ever have. My anxiety is much better now, but I still have my moments. And have still struggled with fear. Fear of so many things. Not only that, keep in mind that getting up and walking around can be a huge task for me. Walking isn't just, an easy thing. Some days I am so nauseous and when I walk, it feels like the ground moves or I get super dizzy and loopy. My legs shake from being so weak. And I get exhausted real fast. Heat tends to make me feel really sick and faint also. And any sudden movements can make me want to vomit sometimes. So you can only imagine my thoughts about traveling to the airport, walking through the airport, flying on a plane more than once, going to Cabo in super hot weather, having the stomach pains I'd been having for weeks, heart palpitations, etc. Taking a trip with all this wouldn't be fun.) My worries and fears were outweighing my faith!! How could I ever let that happen!!? I felt like I was never going to get back to where I was before my major downfall back in December. Then... The missionaries showed up. Gave me a blessing. And reminded me of what I was lacking. Faith. No matter how much faith I think I have, it's not enough. And it hasn't been enough. Doubt takes my faith down daily. Without me even realizing this! My fears and doubts were weakening my mind, my strength and mostly, my faith. After receiving that blessing, I thought, "Through Christ, I can do all things." He is there. My prayers are heard every time I pray. My prayers are answered. Not always instantly, but some way somehow, they are ALWAYS answered. Some of them may not even be answered for years, or til the next life. But I know that they are heard and they will be answered when it is HIS time. Not mine.
Moving Forward -
Tuesday morning rolls around! Simon and I were up before 4 a.m. to catch our flight. Melissa took us to the airport and we were there by 6:30 a.m. We got all checked in and just waited for our flight. My body was aching so bad, stomach still slightly upset and my nerves felt shot. Once we finally boarded the plane, I felt a little more relieved. I kept remembering my blessings over and over in my head and doing energy work on myself throughout the flight. I tried to keep my mind busy with others things too, so I wouldn't get anxiety or start freaking myself out about things. By the time we got to Cabo, I was done. My body was hurting so bad I could barely walk. My stomach felt so sick and I just wanted to crawl in bed and sleep. I was so annoyed with everything and just wanted to go back home. I hated how I was feeling and it was SO hot! Our shuttle picked us up at the airport to take us to our resort in Cabo San Lucas. It was quite a little drive out there and our driver was flying like crazy ha. Which I was okay with, because I was just ready to be there. Once we arrived it took us probably another 20 minutes or so to get all checked in. We were driven to our villa in a golf cart and then we had to go up 3 flights of stairs. Finally we got to our room and I was SO happy!!
We walked in our room and it was beautiful!! I was so glad to be there finally and looking out from our patio was an incredible view of the resort and the ocean. It was so lovely! Even though I felt miserable, I was so grateful to be able to make it to Cabo with my amazing husband. He worked so hard to earn this trip and he deserved every bit of it.
We stayed in Cabo from Tuesday until Saturday. During our stay, I was determined to have fun and just relax. Most of the time I done OK. The heat got to me a lot and we had to go to our room once in a while to cool down. The pools were warm too so it was hard to cool down in them. Every morning I woke up I was exhausted and walking wasn't super great. I was pretty weak and all those stairs were a struggle. But I decided, I was in control and I was going to make it. Each day when I woke up and before I went to bed each night, I said a little prayer to help me through. I started saying a bunch of positive and healing affirmations in my mind over and over. When we first got to Cabo, I told my husband that going to Cabo and being in the sun and heat would help kill the Lyme and all the other bad things in my body.
Having Lyme really takes a toll on you physically, but also mentally. You HAVE to try and stay positive at all times. No matter what. You have to constantly remind yourself to stay calm, to not have any fear, otherwise anxiety and other things will take over your life. The adversary will try to tear you down day by day, thought by thought. This has been a HUGE struggle for me. And that is one reason why going to Cabo was "scary" for me. I wouldn't be home, close to my Dr. or close to anything for that matter. What if something happened? What if I got sicker? What if I feel miserable and can't enjoy my trip? All these questions popped in my head over and over. Until I received blessings and until I got to Cabo. I had to change my mindset and my thought patterns asap. I knew if I didn't, I would have a terrible time and just focus on being sick the whole time. Each day was a lot of work mentally. Just to get up and walk to breakfast was dreadful. But I did it. Every day we were there. And I survived. I focused on the heat making me feel good any time I walked outside. I focused on my body getting exercise daily and that it was good for my mind and my body. I repeated over and over in my mind that "I can do all things though Christ", "My faith outweighs my fear" and "I am fearless." This may seem like little things to some of you, but to me, they are more than that. This is my life. These struggles are real. And they can take you down at any moment. Whether it be the physical part of Lyme, the emotional part, spiritual part, or mental part. It can destroy you. IF you let it. And I will NEVER let that happen. Sure I still have moments where I break down and cry my eyes out, but who says being strong means you can't cry? Crying cleanses the soul. It helps release those frustrations and the anger that has been building up. That doesn't make you any less stronger.
Saturday when we finally returned home, my heart was so full of gratitude! I was so excited to be back in Utah. I never thought I would say those words, but boy I sure missed home! The trip was wonderful and so beautiful. It was an incredible experience for me and helped me break through my fears and worries about life and living with Lyme. It was what I needed.
So this is my conclusion of this story, Cabo is super hot, but beautiful. Blessings are incredible. Prayers will be answered in accordance to our faith. Without faith, we have nothing. Faith can move mountains. Anything is possible. Going on this trip helped me change. My mindset feels like it's getting back to where it used to be. I don't feel like I have this huge blockage anymore and that all these walls that have been building up around my have been shattered. I constantly told myself going to Cabo would help me heal. And I strongly believe that it did. Whether it's healing the Lyme, or healing something else. I felt like I reached a new point in my life and the fear was conquered. My mind is still in "Cabo mode". I constantly keep telling myself I am being healed, I am fearless, etc. I look back through this whole experience of being really sick right before my trip, the blessings I received and the love I felt from my Savior. No matter what happens or what fears come in our way, He is there. He knows and understands everything we are going through when nobody else does. He is the one to turn to in everything. He knows what we need in life. He knows what challenges will be placed in our path and He knows what we need to overcome them. He will never leave us. Keeping God close to us always with a grateful heart, positive mind and positive attitude can help us conquer anything. Of course we will still have trials in life and hardships, but our loads will be lightened by our hope. Our faith.
I know with all my heart that God is real. Our prayers are always heard. Trials come into our lives to help us learn. To help us grow. To help us become stronger. To shape us, to mold us.... into who we were brought on this earth to really be. I am learning more and more every day. I am learning more about my faith and what I can do to keep it strong at all times. I'm grateful for the trials I have had. Obviously they are miserable and being given the life I have been given, is challenging. BUT I know it's for a reason and to become the person I am meant to be, things had to happen in my life. Without them, my faith wouldn't be strong. I wouldn't understand many things. I wouldn't be as compassionate as I am for others. I wouldn't have my blog, my FB group, my support system, my life full of love without these experiences in my life.
I hope you all have enjoyed following my blog and that each of you may receive some sort of answers, inspirations or gained any amount of hope and faith from them. I genuinely appreciate each of you who read and share my blogs. I will continue to blog throughout my journey with Lyme and overcoming it and hope you can all continue to follow.
With much love and gratitude,
Nicole
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