Finding Hope While Living With Chronic Illnesses

It has been way too long since I have last posted in my blog! So much has happened since my last post that I don't know where to even start. I always wait to have some kind of inspiration 'til I write. I haven't felt that until this last weekend. Life has thrown some crazy curve balls that have left me feeling all sorts of emotions.

In my last post, I talked about my stay at the hospital in Idaho while my hubby was away in Germany. Once I got back home, my husband and I decided that we really needed to be strict with our diets because we know how crucial diet is, especially for me. People with diseases, illnesses, etc, are highly effected by the things we eat, drink, breathe and so on. We started the Whole30 diet. I was hoping this would really help my stomach issues and I couldn't prevent getting a scope next month. This diet is super strict for those of you who aren't familiar with it. After about 4-5 days of this diet, I got very sick. I started getting severe pain in my lower abdomen and I knew something was wrong. It finally started going away, but I could still feel it and feel a lot of pressure. It felt so weird. Throughout the next few days, I started feeling worse. My stomach felt worse, I was getting fevers and I became so nauseous. Everything got 30 times worse than before. Not only was all this going on, but we were supposed to be moving into our new apartment the same week.

My husband and his family were moving things on the 25th. I felt so sick, but didn't want to say anything while everyone was around. I felt like I had the flu, only extremely worse. I had never felt so much nausea in my life. We stayed our first night in our new place. I woke up around 5 a.m. I was in tears. The pain was so intense that I could hardly breathe. I was so sick to my stomach and could barely move. I tried to focus on being calm and forcing myself to go back to sleep. An hour later, I was still in tears and knew I needed medical attention asap. I woke my husband up and I could tell he wasn't super happy about it. He probably thought this was just our usual routine. When we got to the hospital, all I can remember is I felt like I was dying and wanted to get drugs in me as soon as I could. And for those of you who know me, I don't like taking meds at all. At this point, I think I was ready for everything.

I can't remember much myself, so I'm just going off what I do remember and what my husband told me :) Anyways, after giving me pain and nausea meds, I remember them drawing blood and wanting to do an ultrasound. Long story short, they found a massive cyst, about the size of a golf ball, on my right ovary. They also found that my liver was having some issues. All the enzymes were super high. They sent the tests off to have them cultured and make sure I didn't have hepatitis.

Hours later we finally were able to leave the hospital. In the meantime, I was supposed to take meds, rest and follow up with my regular Dr. Since then, I have been on pain and nausea meds every single day. I started getting very emotional and angry. (I blame a lot of this on the pain meds). Last Friday, I literally had reached my breaking point. I'm sure those of you who suffer from any type of illness whatsoever knows what I am talking about when I say breaking point. I don't mean a little crying session and feeling upset and then getting over it after eating some chocolate or ice cream. I mean a full on break down; hours of shedding tears, feelings of rage and anger, bitterness. etc. I literally lost it. I felt like something had completely just taken over me. (Normally, I would not tell people this, but I feel very prompted to do so. So please, no judgments, because this is all very real and it's my life). I started praying as hard as I possible could. I was literally begging Heavenly Father to help me; help me understand why I am going through this all and why it's been going on for so long. The tears wouldn't stop. The more I thought about everything I'd been going through, the more angry I got and the more I cried. I kept thinking about how my husband and I never go anywhere or do anything because of my health. It would make me more angry. I just wanted to be married and enjoy married life with my amazing husband. I wanted to be able to go to church every Sunday, go to the temple as often as possible, go visit people, drive, help serve others. I probably prayed for a total of 45 minutes to an hour that day. Possibly more. I felt so much sorrow and sadness in my heart. I was thinking of how much more life I used to have in me and how strong I used to feel the spirit. I felt like I had lost it all completely. I begged for comfort and for peace in my mind and my heart. I begged over and over to tell me what I needed to do. After moments of praying and breaking down, I felt more calm. But I still didn't feel anything else. I tried to regain my focus and clear my mind. Then my husband messaged me and suggested we ask our Branch President to come visit and give me a blessing. So I did.  (Also, before I forget, my family created an event on FB to invite everyone to do a fast for me the Monday before - so a week ago from today.) My BP messaged me back and said he would love to come over.

Later that night, our BP arrived and sat down to talk to us. We don't see him often due to the health issues I have been struggling with. We caught him up to speed with everything going on. He asked me if it was okay to let my Relief Society President be aware of my situation so she could check on me from time to time as well. We also discussed having the sacrament brought to our home on days I am not able to attend church. He told me I was too young to be going through everything I am and that it was time for me to get better. He gave Simon and I some advice and strongly encouraged us to stay close to the gospel. Not to let these trials pull us away.

After we finished talking, our BP gave me a blessing. I was expecting an overwhelming flood of emotions, feeling the spirit, and whatnot. But that's not what I got. I had taken medications before the blessing so I knew that was part of the reason I didn't feel much. But what I did get, was comfort. Peace. Direction. I was blessed with many things and also blessed that my Doctors and their staff would be guided in my healing, that they would know exactly what to do. I was blessed to have the patience to deal with all of this. I was told to pray often. To let this bring me closer to Him. The blessing was what I needed to hear. Every part of it. There were so many things that I think of now that really stuck out and were very powerful. I just didn't realize it at that exact moment.

Then of course, this last weekend was LDS Conference. I couldn't stay awake for all of it, but amazingly enough, I was awake for the talks that were meant for me. I won't go into too much detail of the talks, but I just know which ones were meant for me, right now in my life. Words from our Prophet, from our Apostles and other church members were spoken this weekend that have helped me to refocus my mind. To inspire me. To help me. And most of all, to give me hope. My mind has not been stable, especially this last week. And hearing the talks helped me to think a little more clear. To know that everything will be OK.

Though this last week has been one of the hardest weeks for me emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally, it has also been one of the best weeks. I didn't realize this until now. But I know deep in my heart, that every small or huge trial I have gone through, is part of God's plan for me. How amazing is it that God has created a specific plan for each of us? Our Heavenly Father loves each and every single one of us unconditionally. He knows who we are and what we need to reach our full potential on earth. This last week has changed a lot of things, not just for me, but for my husband too. We've always had an amazing relationship and a unique bond. But after moving to our new place, and dealing with these major health problems, something happened. Something that I can't exactly explain, but I know it has strengthened Simon and I's relationship. I thought I loved him before. But I love him so much more now. There is something about your eternal companion, that when you are at your absolute worst and you can't function at all, that when they take care of you non stop, dress you, do your hair for you, read scriptures to you and pray with you when you can't even stay away for all of it, that just makes your heart so full of love and gratitude. I was so angry and bitter about all the things that I haven't been able to do in life, especially doing things with my husband, that I forgot about all the things I can do. And all the things that have made us more spiritual and faithful people because of what we can't do due to my health issues. I knew Simon loved me before, but I had never felt it as strong as I did this last week. I can't tell him enough that he is my everything and without him, I wouldn't make it. It is not easy for him. He works full time, gone for 10 hours a day to his stressful job, then comes home and makes dinner, tends to my every need, then sits down to relax.

During all of this craziness this past week, my husband and I have had some long talks about everything that has happened, my feelings, his feelings, and so on. He told me that he felt so different with everything this last time. That he has found himself praying way more. He's felt the spirit more. He knows I will be safe while he is gone all day at work and that I will be watched over. And he told me that he is so sorry I have been going through so much, but he also knows that a lot of this is for him. He told me his love for me has become so much stronger and that all of this has changed his way of thinking and acting. When he told me this, my heart felt so full of love. I wish everyone could feel this. Or that everyone could understand what being severely ill does to a person. Sometimes, no matter how strong you think you are, you still break. And that's okay. Because we need these moments to help us recognize what pure happiness is. I've suffered for a very long time. And I know that I can and will be healed some day. I know I will have better days and I know I will have very bad days. But I also know that with the love of my Heavenly Father, I will never be alone in any of this as long as I allow Him to be there and help me. I know I have an amazing husband who will be there to support me and encourage me when I've lost all hope.

I hope this all makes sense to each of you. I'm still on meds so if there are a few things that seem strange, forgive me. I know I kind of bounced around with everything, but I just wrote what I have felt so far.

Today Simon took my to my Dr.'s appointment. We were there for quite a while, but it was all worth it. She told us we needed to bring out the big guns and get more serious with everything we're doing. She said we weren't going slow anymore and we were going to get me feeling better. She created a new plan for me. I have an 8 week detox program I am doing and she put me on a few prescription meds along with many supplements. For those of you who know me, I typically only do natural treatments. But today at my appointment, I felt that I needed to do everything the Dr. threw at us. And that is what I will be doing. She told me the next 2-3 could be really rough, but I will start feeling better afterwards. This was the first appointment I think I have ever had where I felt HOPEFUL. No joke. Everything felt right and I knew that the Lord has guided my Dr. in every step she felt was needed.

After my appointment, I finally felt some peace. I felt like my life will get better and my body will become whole again. Even though these trials have made me breakdown to the point of not wanting to go on anymore, I know in my heart that this is all a part of God's plan. I know that we are never alone in anything as long as we ask for help. I know at times, I've wanted to give up completely, but I can't. And I won't. No matter how hard life has been for me, I've learned so many things through my trials. And I have learned that a lot of my trials are not always for me. They are to help others. And I'm okay with that. The Lord knows each of us individually. He knows exactly what we are capable of and knows how much we are able to handle. If the Lord trusts me enough to go through all of the pain, the sorrow, the misery, the sadness, the sicknesses, and so on, then I trust Him enough to know that it's part of His plan for me. To mold me into the person I was brought here to be.

I guess after everything I just wrote about, what I want to share with people is that there are times we have lost all hope, all faith. There are moments where we are suffering so much that we feel as if we cannot bare anymore in our lives and we can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. But guess what? There is always a light at the end. We just have to allow that light to be seen. We have to know that no matter what we are dealing with in life, God is the light. And when that light begins to dim and eventually disappear, we must open our hearts and pour out our souls to Him. We must believe in Him and trust in His plan. He can only help us as much as we allow Him to. He can only help us as much as our faith allows. If we have little faith, we get little results. It's only when we have as much faith as possible that miracles can happen.

I fully believe in God and know miracles happen. I know that I have suffered much in my life and know that I still may have times where I continue to suffer. But I also know now, more than ever before, that it depends on me and my faith that will help take that suffering away. We can't expect God to heal us or help us if our faith is but small and we aren't living up to our full potential in any circumstance.

I hope and pray that anyone who has dealt with Lyme, or any kind of illness whatsoever knows that they are watched over. Know that there is a God who is constantly there, know that you are loved and that there is a plan just for YOU. I know that one of the reasons I have gone through all of this is for other people. I know that by reaching out to others and sharing my story plays a huge role in my plan. I want people to know that there are others out there who have suffered just as much, or even more than they have. I also want people to know that I am always here for support if any of you need it. I want people to feel comfortable and know that it's okay to reach out to others. I feel very inspired to give people my email address and any of you who need someone to talk to, guidance, direction or just a friend, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Love and healing to everyone,

Nicole

FB Group - *All About Lyme - Holistic Healing*
Instagram - nicole_fay26
Email address - life_of_hope@yahoo.com

Lyme Disease: Why we can never ever give up

Getting the motivation to write in my blog lately has been rough. I kept feeling like I needed to write in it tonight, but I was fighting it. And here I am, lying in bed with so many things on my mind. Trying to figure out what the heck went wrong in the last few weeks. All of the things that were happening and I was starting to do better in quite a few areas, then bam. Crashed and took 10 steps back. 

As most of you know, a few weeks ago I had made some huge progress. Until about 9ish days ago. On the 15th, my husband flew to Germany for work. My mom came and got me so I could stay with her for the week and go see one of my favorite Dr.'s in Idaho. I hadn't been feeling well at all. My stomach was causing major problems. I was feeling super weak again. All these things kept happening and I knew I was going to crash hard. I got to my moms Thursday evening. Come Sunday morning I woke up and could barely walk to the bathroom. My heart was racing fast and pounding hard. While I was in the bathroom, I prayed. I prayed to be guided in what to do. I truly hate hospitals and didn't want to go. But I felt so sick. As soon as I finished praying, I heard a faint whisper if you will, that said "If you trust me, go to the hospital". I couldn't deny what I was told. I came out of the bathroom and told my mom we needed to go. I had really been struggling the last few days so she knew exactly what I meant. We got our things together and headed to the ER. 

It didn't take long before they got us in. My stomach pain had been so bad and I was so weak. Any time my  heart feels "different", I know it's nothing to be messed with. At this point, I was just ready to lay there and get fluid in me asap. After explaining everything to the nurse, she went and spoke with the Dr. He then came in and immediately, I felt so much peace. Regardless of how much pain and sickness I felt, I knew I was told to come to the hospital for a reason. The nurse and Dr. were so kind. Some of the kindest staff I've ever had to deal with. They immediately started me on anti nausea meds and pain meds. I asked them to only do half of what they were going to 'cause I hate how drugs make me feel. She said that wasn't a problem at all and if I ended up needing more, just let them know. 

I could feel the meds slightly, but not like I normally would. After I finished talking to the Dr., he stepped out and the lab came to draw my blood. The nurse gave me one more med to "reduce acid". Not two seconds after it was injected in me, my stomach pains got 20 times worse. I could hardly breathe. It killed to move. I told my nurse and she immediately gave me the rest of my pain meds. She went to talk with the Dr. and  by the time she got back, the pain hadn't subsided one bit. They ended up giving me MORE pain meds, which at the time, I was in so much pain I didn't even care anymore. It took some time before I felt the pain disappearing, but after a while, it finally got better and I wasn't crying anymore. So that was great :) 

They done all kinds of tests, scans, etc. and then the Dr. came back in my room and talked to me for a while. We discussed Lyme Disease and all the other issues I have with it. He was so caring and understanding. (This hardly EVER happens, just so you all know.) He told me he was going to admit me to the hospital because they wanted to do some more extensive testing and just keep an eye on me overnight. They also wanted to keep fluids in my because I was so dehydrated. (Yes people, I drink plenty of water. All the time. But for some reason, my body doesn't like to stay hydrated.) 

Finally I got up to my room and they gave me more meds. And to be honest, I can't quite tell you what went on from there. All I know is more tests were done and lots of fluids were given. After I was released the following afternoon, my mom and I grabbed some food and headed back to her place. Right after I ate, I got sick. And that continued for the rest of the day. I was still pretty out of it so the next few days were blurry. I woke up one morning, and could hardly breathe. My chest was so heavy and when I tried to get up, it just felt like someone kept trying to push me down. I thought, "Seriously? Why?" I was so irritated that it was constantly one thing after another. I think it was that same day that my mom took me to my Dr. appointment. Where later that day I found I had H Pylori, a bunch of parasites, issues with my liver, etc. On a positive note, the Lyme was NOT showing up. This obviously excited me. However, that didn't mean it was gone. But still gave me hope. My numbers for Epstein Barr Virus were still super high. I was told I needed to be tested for the MTHFR Gene Mutation. I was told that infertility could also be an issue. Also, I was told to have my apartment checked for mold asap because there were things showing up in my body that could be caused my mold in my place. Oh, and not to mention, going to Mexico to get treated  may be my best option. Sounds exciting right? ;) Even though I wasn't healed and my tests clearly showed some major issues still, I still felt hopeful. 

Skipping through the rest and fast forwarding to my mom bringing me back to Utah. I came home the same evening as my husband. My mom left shortly before he got home. I was so excited to see him. It made everything else go away for a short moment. That always happens when he comes home. I feel safe and feel like everything will be okay. He brings me such peace and I am so grateful for that. And it felt good to be home. Even though we have mold here ha. 

So since I have been back home.. Which has been about a week now... I have felt miserable. Well, mostly. Sunday I woke up and felt like I was dying. I can't describe what my body felt like, but it was almost unbearable. I stayed in my bed almost the whole day. I felt so angry and so bitter. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and throw things. I couldn't remember the last time I had all these horrible feelings inside of me. I was so aggravated. I felt so mad. I kept thinking over and over in my head that I cannot go on like this anymore. I couldn't take it. My emotions were all over the place that day and so were my thoughts. I couldn't think clearly whatsoever. All I knew is that I needed to pray. I needed to try to calm myself and to have the strength to do so. But these other feelings of anger and hatred were becoming so overbearing that I couldn't shake them. I couldn't stop crying. I just needed to let it all out. So I did. Alone in my room. On my bed. Tears flooded my pillow and I didn't care. I couldn't stop and I knew it needed to be "released".  

Later that day my husband came in our room and we talked for a while. It gave me comfort and I started feeling less angry with everything. I asked him for a blessing because I knew at this point, it was my only hope. The second he laid his hands upon my head, I could feel it. I could feel the peace and comfort going throughout my body. Even though my mind was not clear or in the right place, my blessing made it possible for me to remember the words which were said. The hope that was given. And the spirit that was felt. Shortly after my blessing, my head started feeling better. The sickness I could feel in my head was slowly fading. I knew getting a blessing that night was what I needed most. 

Yes.. I'm telling you all of this because I want you all to know that it can and it will be hell when dealing with diseases or other illnesses. It isn't pretty. It isn't funny. And it doesn't always bring out the best in you. However, you cannot give up. It's okay to have breakdowns, to scream, to cry, to feel angry. It's okay to be upset. We need to express our emotions and we need to let it out. Obviously in a safe way. But we can't hold in everything we feel. When we feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel, think again. Because I know for me, every other time I have felt that I cannot go on any longer, my eyes were opened and hope was revealed. There are moments where you think you can't keep going. That it will never end. That people will never understand what you are going through.. But that is where we are wrong. It will end. One day it will all end. And there is ALWAYS one person who completely understands what we are going through. HIM. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows every thought we have, every ounce of pain we feel, every tear we shed. He is our comforter. He guides us, if we listen. No matter what we are going through, we have someone to turn to, to lean on, to trust. We must have faith in all things. Times will occur where our faith and patience will be tried. Tried so hard that we will want to give up, stop believing, stop hoping. But we can't. Because if we do, we won't grow. We won't become stronger. We won't be molded into the perfect humans that we were brought here to be molded into. We won't become more loving, have more compassion and be more humbled. 

We cannot give up. With the Lord on our side, we can do all things. We must align our will with God's. And have the faith that it will all work out. I know I still struggle at times and feel like all hope is lost, but I will never give up and never stop fighting to become healed. I truly believe all things can be done through Him. And I can be healed. And so can each of you. When you feel all alone and no one in the entire world can understand you or feel what you are going through, He can. Always remember that and you'll never lose. 

Healing Lyme With The Mind: {Why loving ourselves can heal us}

Since my last post, things have changed. I feel like I am starting to become more aware of the person I used to be. Things are becoming more clear. My intuition feels like it is starting to open back up.

As crazy as this sounds to some people, it's not crazy to me. We CAN heal ourselves with our minds. No matter what anybody says. Our thoughts are so powerful. The things we think and say about ourselves, is what becomes of ourselves. If we are constantly having negative thoughts, you will live a negative life. You will NOT have pure happiness, joy, peace, etc. And why do we do this to ourselves? What in the heck is the point? Why do we criticize ourselves so much to the point we become bitter, angry and sick? We constantly complain about our struggles in life, our failures, how we are too fat, too thin, too ugly. We constantly tear ourselves apart. Day after day. We do this so much we eventually start to believe it. Then our bodies start to believe it, and that's what happens. It's called the "Law of Attraction". What we put out there, is what we get back. Ten fold. For example, the more we think how "fat" we are and that we can't lose weight, the more and more we believe it and guess what? We gain weight. We struggle with losing weight. Same thing goes if we are "sick". The more we FOCUS and put our energy on the thoughts that we are sick, afflicted, in pain, miserable, etc, the more this will occur. We tell ourselves, "Ugh. Today will be a bad day". Guess what? You're right. It will be a bad day. And YOU created it.

You may ask what this has to do with me having Lyme Disease - Well, essentially it has a lot to do with it. I got Lyme when I was 6. How? I have no clue. Why? Maybe to help me strengthen my faith, my patience, learn from my trials, gain more knowledge and help others. And that's exactly what my goal is - to help others. To be a tool for the Lord. A messenger. And through my journey, nothing has been more powerful in healing than having my God in my life. Growing closer to Him, has helped me learn so many things about myself and alternative ways to healing. Other than just going to doctor after doctor. I have been so blessed to have been introduced to these alternatives throughout the last few years. And one of them, is energy work. Which was partly why I became a Foot Zoner :) After having wonderful experiences and praying about this, I knew I needed in my life. For me. And for others.

All of this comes together at one point. Some of you still may be confused as to what I am talking about. Eventually I will come to explain everything through my posts. As for this post, this is about healing Lyme with the mind. After getting back from Cabo, I wanted to do better. I wanted to try anything I could do to feel "good" even if I really didn't. When my husband and I returned home, I started a new "treatment" you could say. A couple of them. Because of my blog, a lady contacted me and told me she was sure she had something that could help me. She wanted to call me as soon as she could to discuss it with me. My first thought was, "That is really cool. But I'm sure it's just like everything I have tried". But what I didn't realize at the moment, was that I had been praying really hard about what else to do for the Lyme and this could be an answer to my prayers. When she wanted to talk to both my husband and I, I will admit, I was skeptical. Then she told me she had this really strong feeling to contact me immediately. When she told me that, I had a good feeling. After my husband and I talked to her, learned more about what she was doing, we prayed about it. We both felt like this could be a good step to take. So we did. And I don't regret it. I started everything when we got back from Cabo. I was scared at first, because I had been so sensitive to so many things in the past. But I tried to change my mindset. I told myself, if God wanted me to do this, it wouldn't cause me more problems. It was going to help me heal.

On to my 3rd week of this, and still no regrets. Last week I made more progress than I have been in over 8 months. I was able to drive, for the first time by myself, help my husband's parents with picking, shucking, and preparing corn to freeze for 8+ hours, and go to church for the full 3 hours yesterday. I start tearing up every time I talk about this. Because those of you who know me, or who have struggled with health issues themselves and aren't able to do much, this is monumental. My heart was so full of gratitude this weekend for being able to accomplish all of these. I know I'm not healed yet, but each day I will get closer and closer. And not only have I been taking some incredible products, but I have really changed my thinking patterns.

Lyme can really screw a person up mentally. The Lyme can over take you and your mind if you let it. However, you can't. YOU are in control. You CAN'T let Lyme control you. It's A disease, not YOUR disease. These words change you. Don't claim your illnesses. Don't let them define you. And this is what I did. I got so ill these last 7-8 months, it overtook my life. My mind. My thoughts. My faith. My everything. I never thought I'd get so bad in my life. Then I realized, if I can change my thoughts, my mind, retrain my sub-conscious mind, I can get better. I can do this. I will take control of my life back.

I became so hard on myself.  Guilt ate at me every single day. I felt like I was an inadequate wife. I couldn't be what my husband needed. I was too big of a burden for him. For anyone. I'm wasn't ever going to heal. I wanted to, but felt it was getting impossible. I've lost over 30 pounds and still think I'm "fat". I started hating myself rather than loving myself. I became more obsessed with being sick and fat and more focused on how I wasn't healing than being positive and having faith.

Why!? Why do we do this?? Because we let our thoughts take over our minds. We let the negative become our life. We think the harder we are on ourselves, the better people we can become. We have old thoughts/words stuck in our mind from what people said to us in our childhood or other times throughout our past. And we believed them. We created that/this life. So why not create the opposite? Why not create a good, happy life? Sure we will have struggles here and there, but having the best attitude and a heart full of gratitude at all time will ease these struggles.

This is why I created Healing Lyme With The Mind - Because it is possible. The saying "You can't expect anyone to love you until you love yourself" is beyond true. We MUST love ourselves. We have NO reason not to! God created us. He gave us this life. These bodies. They are gifts to us. We need to constantly treat them as gifts from God. They are sacred. So why torture them? Why criticize them? Do we do that to any other gifts? I would say hardly. We can overcome anything we put our mind to and have faith we can do it. We are all human. We've all had struggles and have struggles. That doesn't mean we love ourselves less and treat ourselves like we don't deserve the best. No matter where we came from, what we've done, who's hurt us, we can let it go. Move on. Create the life you want to live.

I have started this challenge on my FB Group - *All About Lyme - Holistic Healing*. I would love for everyone to join and follow along to Heal Lyme With The Mind . This isn't just for Lyme. It's for anything. Every day I have been posting a healing affirmation for people to save or print and read every day over and over to help them in their healing journey. I would love to receive any feedback, questions or if anyone just needs to chat, I'm here! :)

I will post all my affirmations I've made so far. Here's to healing and loving ourselves!

Starting our "Healing Lyme With The Mind" affirmations!! Feel free to print these off and place on your mirror. And repeat them to yourself all throughout the day!! 

Day 2: 

Day 3: Happy Thursday everyone!!! I hope you are all joining my "Healing Lyme With The Mind" affirmation journey  Today, my affirmation is one that means a lot to myself. Struggling with Lyme and other illnesses takes a toll on us emotionally and mentally. I know that I have become SO much harder on myself. I feel guilty a LOT and feel super inadequate. I catch myself thinking bad/negative thoughts about myself all the time. However, I'm changing that and I hope you can all do the same. We were all brought to this earth for a reason and each of our journey's are different, but no matter what, we can't stop loving ourselves!! Our bodies are a gift from God and we need to constantly treat it that way. Especially with our thoughts and our words. I've talked to so many people with Lyme or other illnesses and every single one of them have or had negative thoughts about themselves. Use this affirmation ALL day every day! And before bed!

Day 4:  Nothing is possible without faith. Especially healing  I have "Faith conquers fear" on my vision board. Super powerful! Start believing and see what happens 

Day 5: Repeating this every day multiple times will eventually make it happen! Happy Monday everyone!

The Most Inspirational Post You'll Probably Ever Read. **** (Conquering Lyme)

Hi all!!

As most of you know, from my previous posts, I mention that I typically write a post when I feel inspired. I don't want to write every single day and bore people with my nonsense ;). However, this post won't do that. I have been dying ALL week to get back home from Cabo to write this post!! You guys don't even know my excitement!

Since my wonderful husband and I got back from our Idaho reception the second weekend in July, I have been super struggling. Some days I would feel okay, other days I was miserable and so sick. I couldn't even get off the couch. I know, that's not uncommon for me. But the last couple weeks were worse in certain areas. Like my stomach for instance. I was having severe nausea, stomach pains, weakness, dizziness, etc. I was having a hard time eating anything. Everything tasted gross to me or tasted "not normal". I was so so so tired. Fatigue is no fun. Ever. My body had been stressed from all the physical work I done at the reception and just the stress in receptions itself! Lyme + stress = major problems.

I was so sick to my stomach and could not figure out what the heck was going on. With Lyme Disease, typically you get pain anywhere and everywhere at anytime. But it usually isn't so constant or painful (for me in my stomach area). Last week I felt like death. The pain was so bad and I was so weak. My amazing friend Melissa came to hang out with me last Thursday (I think) and she took me to see my Dr. They ran some tests and when results came back my Dr. was like, "Oh... Well, okay." I asked her what was up. She said that my body was losing Ketones. I wasn't very familiar with this so she went on to explain that basically my body wasn't getting enough nutrients cause I wasn't eating enough and whatever I was eating, it wasn't being absorbed. So what was happening was that my stomach was running out of nutrients to digest so it literally started digesting my stomach muscles. "GROSS" is what I thought. I told her it felt like my stomach was eating itself and she said, "well, that's because it basically is". Haha. Makes sense! Anyways, she was telling me all these things to do and if I wasn't better by Monday to go back in, because Tuesday I was supposed to be leaving for Cabo!!

It was either that same night I went to the Dr or the next night, I woke up in the middle of the night, burning up, stomach hurting so bad, heart pounding super fast and shaking like crazy! I thought to myself, "You have got to be kidding. I have to go to Cabo soon and I'm so sick!!" I woke my husband up and we went to the emergency room. They gave me pain meds, nausea meds and lots of fluid. Everything else looked fine. We got home around 5 a.m. or so and I slept pretty much the whole next day. It was night to be able to finally sleep cause sleeping isn't my strongest point. :) Throughout the weekend I still struggled. I kept taking my meds and supplements and tried to eat super light things. Monday rolled around and I felt A-W-F-U-L. My friend took me back to my Dr. and she immediately said I need to get a CT scan. We talked about things for a bit and she told me she really wouldn't advise me going to Cabo. I somewhat felt relieved, because let's be honest here, who wants to go on a trip OUT of the country when you are super sick?? NOT ME. I really wanted to go to Cabo, but I knew I should probably listen to my Dr. as well.

I told Simon while he was at work what my Dr. had said. He obviously wasn't super thrilled about it and talked to his boss about my situation. His boss had already purchased everything and didn't know if we could get a refund for us or not. Simon told me what his boss said and told me that he really thinks I will be okay to go. He told me I needed to hurry and let them know so they could get everything figured out asap. As I was sitting on the couch talking to Melissa, I started crying. I told her this was so frustrating and I was so sick of being so sick and not being able to just go do anything I wanted to. I was torn on what to do. I knew if I felt this sick in Cabo it would be a miserable trip and especially a miserable flight. We were talking about praying and having my husband give me a blessing that night when he got home from work. I couldn't decide what to do. I wanted to go, but I knew how sick I was and thought I should maybe listen to my Dr. as well. Just as Melissa and I were discussing praying and what I should do, there was a knock at my door. I was still crying so Melissa hopped up to get it. When she opened the door, I turned around to see two LDS missionaries standing in my doorway. At first, I didn't think much of it cause they asked if we had any Spanish speaking members in our neighborhood. We told them no and we didn't know of any. They asked if there was anything they could do for us at this time and as soon as they said that I immediately thought, "ask for a blessing" and at the same time, Melissa turned to me, gave me this strange look, then told the missionaries to hold on for a second. She closed the door and asked me if it was okay to ask them to give me a blessing. I was like, "YES!!" She opened the door back up and asked them. We told them we didn't have another male member here. They told us to just pull up a chair in the doorway and they would give me one. So there I sat in my chair in the middle of my doorway, Melissa by my side and two missionaries preparing to give me a blessing. As soon as the blessing started, I immediately felt the spirit. My entire body was calmed and filled with peace and comfort. I was blessed with strength and that my symptoms I was dealing with would subside and that I would be comforted. I was told in my blessing that my prayers would be answered in accordance to my faith. There was more in the blessing, but this was the gist of it. Once the blessing was over and the elders left, Melissa and I sat down and were just in awe. We both had tears in our eyes. I told her I knew I would be okay to go on my trip. As long as I kept my faith in Heavenly Father, I would be okay. We were both just amazed at what just happened. That was literally and immediate answer to my prayers!! There I sat, crying to Melissa about my sicknesses and feeling so discouraged and talking about prayers and blessings, then missionaries show up at my house!! The church couldn't be more true. After this all happened I told Simon about everything and he was amazed. He felt the spirit when I told him and was so grateful.

(As I have mentioned before, I developed major anxiety and fear. The worst things to ever have. My anxiety is much better now, but I still have my moments. And have still struggled with fear. Fear of so many things. Not only that, keep in mind that getting up and walking around can be a huge task for me. Walking isn't just, an easy thing. Some days I am so nauseous and when I walk, it feels like the ground moves or I get super dizzy and loopy. My legs shake from being so weak. And I get exhausted real fast. Heat tends to make me feel really sick and faint also. And any sudden movements can make me want to vomit sometimes. So you can only imagine my thoughts about traveling to the airport, walking through the airport, flying on a plane more than once, going to Cabo in super hot weather, having the stomach pains I'd been having for weeks, heart palpitations, etc. Taking a trip with all this wouldn't be fun.) My worries and fears were outweighing my faith!! How could I ever let that happen!!? I felt like I was never going to get back to where I was before my major downfall back in December. Then... The missionaries showed up. Gave me a blessing. And reminded me of what I was lacking. Faith. No matter how much faith I think I have, it's not enough. And it hasn't been enough. Doubt takes my faith down daily. Without me even realizing this! My fears and doubts were weakening my mind, my strength and mostly, my faith. After receiving that blessing, I thought, "Through Christ, I can do all things." He is there. My prayers are heard every time I pray. My prayers are answered. Not always instantly, but some way somehow, they are ALWAYS answered. Some of them may not even be answered for years, or til the next life. But I know that they are heard and they will be answered when it is HIS time. Not mine.

Moving Forward -

Tuesday morning rolls around! Simon and I were up before 4 a.m. to catch our flight. Melissa took us to the airport and we were there by 6:30 a.m. We got all checked in and just waited for our flight. My body was aching so bad, stomach still slightly upset and my nerves felt shot. Once we finally boarded the plane, I felt a little more relieved. I kept remembering my blessings over and over in my head and doing energy work on myself throughout the flight. I tried to keep my mind busy with others things too, so I wouldn't get anxiety or start freaking myself out about things. By the time we got to Cabo, I was done. My body was hurting so bad I could barely walk. My stomach felt so sick and I just wanted to crawl in bed and sleep. I was so annoyed with everything and just wanted to go back home. I hated how I was feeling and it was SO hot! Our shuttle picked us up at the airport to take us to our resort in Cabo San Lucas. It was quite a little drive out there and our driver was flying like crazy ha. Which I was okay with, because I was just ready to be there. Once we arrived it took us probably another 20 minutes or so to get all checked in. We were driven to our villa in a golf cart and then we had to go up 3 flights of stairs. Finally we got to our room and I was SO happy!!

We walked in our room and it was beautiful!! I was so glad to be there finally and looking out from our patio was an incredible view of the resort and the ocean. It was so lovely! Even though I felt miserable, I was so grateful to be able to make it to Cabo with my amazing husband. He worked so hard to earn this trip and he deserved every bit of it.

We stayed in Cabo from Tuesday until Saturday. During our stay, I was determined to have fun and just relax. Most of the time I done OK. The heat got to me a lot and we had to go to our room once in a while to cool down. The pools were warm too so it was hard to cool down in them. Every morning I woke up I was exhausted and walking wasn't super great. I was pretty weak and all those stairs were a struggle. But I decided, I was in control and I was going to make it. Each day when I woke up and before I went to bed each night, I said a little prayer to help me through. I started saying a bunch of positive and healing affirmations in my mind over and over. When we first got to Cabo, I told my husband that going to Cabo and being in the sun and heat would help kill the Lyme and all the other bad things in my body.

Having Lyme really takes a toll on you physically, but also mentally. You HAVE to try and stay positive at all times. No matter what. You have to constantly remind yourself to stay calm, to not have any fear, otherwise anxiety and other things will take over your life. The adversary will try to tear you down day by day, thought by thought. This has been a HUGE struggle for me. And that is one reason why going to Cabo was "scary" for me. I wouldn't be home, close to my Dr. or close to anything for that matter. What if something happened? What if I got sicker? What if I feel miserable and can't enjoy my trip? All these questions popped in my head over and over. Until I received blessings and until I got to Cabo. I had to change my mindset and my thought patterns asap. I knew if I didn't, I would have a terrible time and just focus on being sick the whole time. Each day was a lot of work mentally. Just to get up and walk to breakfast was dreadful. But I did it. Every day we were there. And I survived. I focused on the heat making me feel good any time I walked outside. I focused on my body getting exercise daily and that it was good for my mind and my body. I repeated over and over in my mind that "I can do all things though Christ", "My faith outweighs my fear" and "I am fearless." This may seem like little things to some of you, but to me, they are more than that. This is my life. These struggles are real. And they can take you down at any moment. Whether it be the physical part of Lyme, the emotional part, spiritual part, or mental part. It can destroy you. IF you let it. And I will NEVER let that happen. Sure I still have moments where I break down and cry my eyes out, but who says being strong means you can't cry? Crying cleanses the soul. It helps release those frustrations and the anger that has been building up. That doesn't make you any less stronger.

Saturday when we finally returned home, my heart was so full of gratitude! I was so excited to be back in Utah. I never thought I would say those words, but boy I sure missed home! The trip was wonderful and so beautiful. It was an incredible experience for me and helped me break through my fears and worries about life and living with Lyme. It was what I needed.

So this is my conclusion of this story, Cabo is super hot, but beautiful. Blessings are incredible. Prayers will be answered in accordance to our faith. Without faith, we have nothing. Faith can move mountains. Anything is possible. Going on this trip helped me change. My mindset feels like it's getting back to where it used to be. I don't feel like I have this huge blockage anymore and that all these walls that have been building up around my have been shattered. I constantly told myself going to Cabo would help me heal. And I strongly believe that it did. Whether it's healing the Lyme, or healing something else. I felt like I reached a new point in my life and the fear was conquered. My mind is still in "Cabo mode". I constantly keep telling myself I am being healed, I am fearless, etc. I look back through this whole experience of being really sick right before my trip, the blessings I received and the love I felt from my Savior. No matter what happens or what fears come in our way, He is there. He knows and understands everything we are going through when nobody else does. He is the one to turn to in everything. He knows what we need in life. He knows what challenges will be placed in our path and He knows what we need to overcome them. He will never leave us. Keeping God close to us always with a grateful heart, positive mind and positive attitude can help us conquer anything. Of course we will still have trials in life and hardships, but our loads will be lightened by our hope. Our faith.

I know with all my heart that God is real. Our prayers are always heard. Trials come into our lives to help us learn. To help us grow. To help us become stronger. To shape us, to mold us.... into who we were brought on this earth to really be. I am learning more and more every day. I am learning more about my faith and what I can do to keep it strong at all times. I'm grateful for the trials I have had. Obviously they are miserable and being given the life I have been given, is challenging. BUT I know it's for a reason and to become the person I am meant to be, things had to happen in my life. Without them, my faith wouldn't be strong. I wouldn't understand many things. I wouldn't be as compassionate as I am for others. I wouldn't have my blog, my FB group, my support system, my life full of love without these experiences in my life.

I hope you all have enjoyed following my blog and that each of you may receive some sort of answers, inspirations or gained any amount of hope and faith from them. I genuinely appreciate each of you who read and share my blogs. I will continue to blog throughout my journey with Lyme and overcoming it and hope you can all continue to follow.

With much love and gratitude,

Nicole

                                                                     

Power of the Priesthood and healing lyme with the mind

Since my last post, I have gotten so many great responses from people! It has been so wonderful! People have been contacting me about their stories and how much my blog has helped them. It's amazing what social media does. Especially when it's used for good things. Knowing that my story is getting out there and giving someone even the slightest comfort, makes my heart so full of gratitude. No matter how hard days can be, it makes it better knowing I can try to still be an example and give hope to others.

Over the last week, I've been doing a lot of praying and pondering about how I can continue to help others and what I need to do. As you know from some of my previous posts, I created a Facebook group called *All About Lyme - Holistic Healing*. I felt so inspired to do so and it's been amazing so far! It's full of wonderful people who are struggling or know someone struggling with Lyme and want to get better. While praying about all of this, I have felt prompted to start some type of "challenge" I suppose you could say. A challenge to change our lives. Change the way we think. Change the way we act. Change our thoughts. Change our attitudes. I've decided to put together a plan for this incredible journey. I've put a lot of thought into this and have come up with the title for this. "Healing Lyme With The Mind". I'm so excited to get this all put together and share with everyone! (So please keep following to join!)

-- Now I'll share with you all a story :)

Over the weekend, my husband and I went to Idaho for our second wedding reception. We left Friday afternoon and got into town a little after 5. We had to drive about 45 minutes from my mom's to get to my aunt's house where we were having our reception. We were there until 10 p.m. By the time we got back to my mom's house, I was wiped out. I was so tired and I couldn't think straight. Finally after 11 p.m. I went to bed. As I laid there, my head felt crazy. Felt like all these little bugs going a million miles an hour. I focused on what is called energy work. (I will discuss more about this in another post). I closed my eyes, took some deep breaths and visualized peace and calmness filling my body. Starting with my head, all the way down to my toes. I visualized a white light scanning my body and healing it. (I know this may sound weird to those who aren't familiar with energy work, but bare with me). After a few minutes of this, I fell asleep and slept through the whole night.

Simon and I had to get up by 7 a.m. so we could be back to my aunt's house by 9 to finish setting everything up and decorate. We worked hard all morning. Around noon I went into my aunt's salon and started getting myself ready for the reception. Once I sat down, I felt like I couldn't get back up. I was already so exhausted with those crazy sensations in my head again. I felt so weak. I started focusing on those visualizations again and focusing on all the positive things. My mom made me a little snack so I could get my blood sugar balanced and focus a little better. Shortly after eating, I got major stomach pains. This happens often so it wasn't anything out of the norm, just bad timing. The reception was starting at 1 p.m. and about quarter after I finally felt okay enough to go outside and get the party started! ;)

People weren't really showing up just yet, so Stuart, my awesome brother in-law, took some pictures of Simon and I while we waited for more guests. It was quite hot outside and a bit humid. For those of you who don't know, heat is usually NOT my friend. Heat can make everything feel almost 100 times worse. Luckily, before our reception, a good friend of mine who also struggles with Lyme told me she started doing energy work on herself and focused on the heat killing the Lyme. Brilliant!! So that's what I did. I kept telling myself the heat was good for my body and would help kill all the bad things in it. And guess what, I survived the heat! I thought I would have to change out of my wedding dress before an hour even passed, but I didn't. I kept my dress on for over 2 hours. Almost 3. I didn't get too overheated, didn't pass out and I felt OKAY. It was so exciting! I was able to enjoy visiting with all the great guests that showed up and have a good time.

Once it was over, it was over. I was done. Wiped out big time. After cleaning up, I just wanted to go to bed and sleep for days. Not only was I exhausted, I was so weak, shaky, my legs wanted to give out every time I walked, dizzy and all those things. We hadn't really eaten anything that day so we decided to go get some dinner on the way back to my moms. My sister and her husband wanted to go to Texas Roadhouse with us and my mom. I was very hesitant at first because I have a really hard time with large, noisy crowds now. I struggle as it is with thinking and being calm. When I get around a lot of people, especially in a building, I can't handle it. My head goes crazy, my heart goes crazy, I get hot and feel like I can't breathe. I told my husband I just wanted to leave. He told me that I was okay and to be calm. I bowed my head down and closed my eyes. I said a little prayer to my Heavenly Father that I would be calm and be able to enjoy this time with  my family. (I don't go out hardly ever & if we do, it's usually to a quieter more open place). As I finished saying my prayer, I focused on how I would feel if I was calm and able to breathe. I started feeling better and just kept chugging water. Once our food started coming I started feeling better. I kept focusing on the good time with my family instead of focusing on not being able to breathe.

After dinner Simon and I headed back to my mom's place. When we got back, my sister and her husband were there as well and I just really wanted to keep having a good time with my family and not just go rest and sleep like usual. We stayed outside for a long time playing with air soft guns. SO fun!! I knew my body needed rest, but I just wanted to have fun and enjoy life! After hours of being outside and enjoying company, I was ready for bed. I knew if I didn't go to bed soon, I would keep feeling much worse. I was already feeling horrible, but I didn't want to focus on that. So I went to bed and woke up Sunday morning. I thought, I feel okay today I think. Then once I got up and started packing, I knew it was going to be a really rough day. My head felt so heavy, my chest felt heavy, everything felt sick and painful. I just wanted to go home and lay in my bed.

Simon and I left that morning and got home in a little less than 3 hours. We got home, unloaded the car, rested for a bit, then unpacked everything. I kept telling myself I could do this. I could get this all done. By the time I finally finished unpacking and cleaning, I felt so sick. My body was burning up and I felt like I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to move. I was going to stay home while Simon went to his parent's for dinner, but I felt bad so I hurry and got ready. We went to dinner and I felt miserable. I just sat there and wanted to cry. I didn't, but I really wanted to. Once we finished dinner, I started feeling okay. We had a nice visit with the family, then came home. I finished a little more cleaning then went and laid in bed. I wanted to sleep, but I knew I couldn't because of how I felt. Simon came in the room and asked if I was okay. He knew I was crying and asked what was wrong and if I needed anything. I told him I didn't feel well at all and I'm so ready to be healed.

As he laid by me with arms wrapped around me, I cried harder and harder. I told him I am so ready to get better, to do whatever I want, to have  family and to be able to enjoy life. He told me he knows I will get better and it just takes time. The longer I laid there and cried, the more frustrated I was getting. The thought I kept getting was to ask for a blessing. I kept ignoring it, then finally, the thought was so strong to ask, so I did. Of course my husband said yes. I was waiting in my room for him to get some oil and a chair. It took him longer than I thought, so I tried to get calm so I could pay close attention to my blessing.

I haven't even started telling my experience and I'm already crying. I've prayed about whether or not I needed to share this experience on my blog. I was prompted to do so. That's why I'm sharing with you all. Anyways, as Simon laid his hands upon my head and started giving me a blessing, I already felt the spirit. I was still crying, but trying to hold it together. I knew this blessing was going to be different than any other blessing I've ever been given. As the blessing continued, the spirit felt was getting stronger. I could feel my grandpa with me. (He passed away when I was 18 & we were very close). I knew he was there. And shortly after that, I felt more than just the spirit and my grandpa's presence. In my blessing, I was told to be patient and that I will be healed. I just needed to have the patience. I needed to seek my Heavenly Father especially in these hard times. I was blessed with strength, courage and faith to do things in my life. I was told to focus on my health and being a missionary. And faith to be healed. At this point, the spirit was so overwhelming I couldn't stop crying. As I felt the other presences here with me, my husband said in the blessing that angels will be with me and that they are here now. They are here to protect me now and always will be. The tears flooded down my face. I started crying harder and harder. At this point in my blessing, I KNEW without a doubt in my mind, that Heavenly Father is with me. He loves me. He knows me. He knows what I need and knows that in order for me to learn certain things, to grow and to help bless others lives, that I needed to go through all these trials. This was the most AMAZING blessing I have ever been given. I cannot say this enough. I am here to tell everyone that I have the strongest testimony of the power of the Priesthood and the healing powers of Christ. I know one day I will be healed. Even if that day is not today, it is some day. And until that day, I will do what I can to help others and to draw myself closer to Him. He is always there. This blessing is very special to me. I really was unsure about sharing it, but my promptings told me otherwise. I knew I needed to share it. I needed to share my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I love the gospel and am forever grateful to have it in my life. Especially living with Lyme. I don't know what I would without it. I have hope for my life because of it. Life is such an incredible gift that we all have been given and we need to make the most of it by being the best that we can. We need to be the best example for those around us. We need to constantly be in the service of our Lord by serving others. It took me a while to realize that due to this disease I've struggled with doesn't necessarily allow me to physically help other people out all the time, but that doesn't mean I still can't do it from home. Life is a gift to each of us. It's a blessing. Don't take it for granted. I share and leave these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

I'm so sorry this post was so long - I just had to share my story and my testimony with everyone. I hope this leaves those of you who are struggling with anything in life with even a small amount of hope and faith.

~Nicole

FB Page - *All About Lyme Holistic Healing*
Instagram - nicole_fay26

Blessings from Lyme

Guys... It's been a minutes since my last post.. I am struggling haha. It might sound weird, but I usually only write a post when I feel inspired to do so. I don't want to write every single day. I don't feel the need to. I have to wait for the inspiration to continue.. So with that said, I have found the inspiration for tonight's message.

The other day I woke up feeling AWFUL. I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay in there all day and just sleep everything away. I just knew it was going to be a rough day. I talked myself into getting up and at least going to the couch. As I was sitting there watching television, I started crying. For a moment I thought to myself, "This is never going to end." "Am I ever going to get better?" I felt SO discouraged. I felt angry, bitter, sad, mad, you name it, I felt it.

My mom called me and we were talking. I started crying harder and just started telling her everything I was feeling. I told her how sick I was of being so sick. I didn't understand anymore why I had to go through this anymore. I just didn't get it. I wanted everything to be better. I wanted to be better. I wanted Lyme to go away. I wanted every ailment in my body to disappear. I even told my mom I didn't want to have kids. (For those of you who know me, know I LOVE kids and always have.) I told her I couldn't take care of a child feeling this way. She felt really bad. She told me I have struggled for so many years and she wished I was better. She just wanted to come take care of me. She had to go and said she would call me in a little bit to see how I was doing.

After getting off the phone with my mom, I had this thought "seek His help". I went to my bedroom and knelt down. I was sobbing. I tried as hard as I could to get my words out and say a prayer. I told Him I was sorry for not seeking Him sooner and I needed Him. I couldn't do this anymore. I need to be better so I can be a good wife and a mother some day, because that's all I want. I want to be healed so I can at least be able to take care of my future kids when it comes that time. I simply asked for help... Shortly after I started calming down and quit crying.. later that day I felt better than I had earlier.. I thought "Wow.. That's what He wanted.. He just wanted me to talk to Him.. To ask for His help."

I thought it was so silly of me to forget that He wants me to seek His helps always. There are times I am beyond exhausted and can't read or pray, or I feel too sick to do so.. But why do I keep myself from getting help?? Clearly, a simple prayer, pouring my heart out is all it takes sometimes. Not long after I had said my prayer, I got more energy. I was able to clean my house, even though I had to do a small bit at a time, rest, then do more, I was still able to get it done. As I was making my bed, I had the strongest feeling. I felt like someone was standing next to me with their hand upon my shoulder and I heard " It will be okay." I started crying again. Only this time it was a good cry. It was a cry of hope, faith and comfort.

I was able to go throughout the rest of my day without any major problems. Later that night as I laid in bed, I had a feeling to read the new Ensign for July. I was looking through the articles and one that stuck out immediately was called, "Faith in God's Plan for Me" by Jessica George. I thought that sounded perfect. This is what the article says:

A life-changing trial helped me recognize a valuable lesson I could learn from the stone quarry in Kirtland.

I grew up near Kirtland, Ohio, and have always had a strong testimony of the events that occurred at this early Church site. The Kirtland Temple, Newel K. Whitney store, and nearby John Johnson farm all have a special spirit about them. For me, however, the stone quarry is the most meaningful site.

Located just a few miles down the road from the Kirtland Temple is a calm little river. Drill marks in the rock next to the river were likely made years after the Saints left Kirtland, but those marks are still a reminder of the purpose this area served in providing stone for the temple. While growing up, I could never explain why this site had such a deep impact on me. It would be years until I understood why it did.

At the time I left to serve a mission in Argentina, my life was just the way I felt it was supposed to be. My college experience had gone well, and I planned on being able to graduate after just a couple of semesters when I returned home from my mission. But about a year into my mission, I got terribly sick and was sent home with an honorable medical release. Further tests revealed that my heart wasn’t functioning properly. My symptoms were life changing and, unfortunately, untreatable. I became so weak that I had to be in bed for most of the day. Suddenly, everything was different.

I thought about my future and wondered, “Why me? Why did this have to happen?” I felt that my desires and plans had been good, and I didn’t understand why I had to undergo a trial that changed those plans.

Time passed slowly. Weeks turned to months, months turned to years, and my health remained poor. By painfully struggling through one class at a time, I eventually finished school. Through the years, however, I began to see that while this was not the future I had anticipated, it was exactly the life God had planned for me. It was then that the importance of the stone quarry I had known from early in my life began to unfold in my mind. I could see parallels between my experience and that of the early Saints who had worked in that quarry.

Today when people visit the stone quarry, they can see the Kirtland Temple in all its glory just down the road. The early Saints did not have that privilege. Their sacrifice and work were done without the end result, the finished temple, in sight. They likely could not envision that this temple would be the first of hundreds that would fill the earth and bring eternal blessings to God’s children all over the world. They saw only the tools in their hands and the thousands of pounds of rock that needed to be removed. Yet their faith was strong, and they knew their sacrifice would bring forth great blessings.

From those early Saints I learned that in every life there must be a “stone quarry”—a time and place where we must sacrifice and work before we can see the blessings.

Although I can’t see the blessings that will come because of my trials, I know I can trust in God’s will for me. And because of the example of those early Saints working in the stone quarry, I know that if I press on, blessings will soon come into view. I am so grateful for the lesson the stone quarry taught me that I can have faith in God’s plan for me even without the end in sight.

This article was so clear to me that night. I had always had a different life planned for me. Always. I never focused so much on the life God had planned for me. And at this moment in my life, it may not be what I had planned and there has been a lot of suffering. And I'm sure there will still be more. But like Jessica mentioned in the 3rd to last paragraph, the Saints did not have the privilege of seeing the temple without all the hard work and sacrifice. This made me think about my life and my own struggles and sacrifices. I had this peaceful feeling that although I've had all these trials and tribulations, the end result will be glorious. Whether it be in this life or the next life, there will be great blessings. I too, like Jessica, have complete trust in God's plan for me. If it means going through trials to reach the glory and those incredible blessings, then all I can do is continue to pray always and not lose faith. I've learned a lot in my life and have become closer to Thee because of my trials. I may have hard days that seem like they won't end, but they will.

 And always remember:

Nicole~

Growing From Lyme

You guys... It has been too long since I have last posted on my blog. I've been pretty occupied with other things.. And a little tired and no motivation ;) I've had so many different thoughts on what I should write about and what people would rather hear about. I just decided to start writing whatever comes to mind!

Lately, life has been pretty good and I've been feeling okay. My husband and I have started doing do something almost every night. We've been going for evening drives and a couple walks. I can't tell you all how much this has helped me and has made me SO grateful! And can I just tell you all how huge of an accomplishment this is for me?! Seriously though. It wasn't too long ago and getting out of the house was a major task. It happened maybe once a week, if that. I force myself to get up and get out of the house, even if I don't feel real well. There is just something about getting out of the house, getting fresh air and seeing the beautiful things Utah has to offer. It makes my soul feel happy even when I don't feel well. I feel so blessed to have these little opportunities that may mean nothing to some people, but mean so much more to me. I am grateful to spend so much quality time with my husband and to be reminded of the wonderful things God has created.

Pondering on my life and this blog, I've come to realize some important things. Blessings. I've discussed blessings before and how having trials brings blessings, which couldn't be more true. Just writing this right now is bringing tears to my eyes. Not exactly tears of sadness, but tears of hope and gratitude. I look back at the person I used to be and the life I was living to my life now. Yes it is difficult. Living with a disease that is debilitating is never easy. Not for the person with the disease or the people around them. But I can tell you this... Living with Lyme has made me stronger. It's made me grow in many ways, especially spiritually. I've learned so much about myself and the person who I am supposed to be. The person He has wanted me to become. I've learned how to love people no matter what, be thankful in every situation, and to continuously love myself.

Obviously from my previous posts, Lyme makes your mental state not so great, so yes there are times when you don't love yourself and don't love life.. And sometimes it doesn't even feel like it's you who is really thinking/feeling these things. It can be a roller coaster of emotions as I'm sure everyone with a disease or illness can attest to this. For me, the last few days have been so emotional! I can't even really explain why I feel more emotional than usual. Inadequacy is an emotion that often hits me hard. Especially the last few days. I keep thinking back to when I was working as a store manager, having a great income, and pretty much doing whatever I want. It's completely opposite now. I stay at home all day every day. Days I feel good enough I try and find things to keep my busy or at least keep my mind distracted. I think I've been emotional lately because I want change. I want nothing more than to feel great and do accomplish anything I want. I've realized that maybe I can't accomplish and do exactly everything I want, but I've learned that I can start praying more about what I'm supposed to do or supposed to learn at this point in my life RIGHT NOW.  I've felt like I'm missing something or supposed to be doing something, but don't know what. However, I know it will come to me eventually and in that process I will just learn so much more about myself and notice the little blessings along the way.

I want to become a mom, so, so bad. I don't know when that will happen or if that will ever happen. And this makes me feel inadequate. I have fears of not being able to ever have kids, fears of not feeling good enough to take care of them once they are born, fears of not being a good enough mom. I'm sure most moms feel this way at one point or another. My amazing husband has given me so much peace and comfort. I don't think he even realizes how much. I explained my feelings to him about all of this stuff the other day. He told me regardless of what happens, it will be okay. He helped me remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and He knows what I can and can't handle. He knows me better than I know myself. I have to remember I constantly need faith and patience. It truly doesn't matter when we want something in life. It is all in His timing. Our timetable is NOT the same as His. Never has been and never will be. I know as long as I keep doing what I'm supposed to and doing all I can to draw myself closer to Him every single day, I will continue to be blessed. If I didn't have any of the trials or ever been diagnosed with Lyme and other illnesses, I wouldn't be this grateful. I wouldn't have the love and the appreciation that I do for life itself. It's so precious and it goes by so fast. I'm still learning new things every day and am still fighting Lyme. But I have a heck of a support system full of wonderful people and love. I know healing will not come fast, but I know that throughout my journey, I'll continue to become a stronger, more faithful and just all around better person.

I just want to again thank EVERYONE who has been reading and following my blog. I will try to update more often. I am so grateful for the love and support I have received from everyone and I pray that my blog can help each of you in some way.

(Join us on Facebook! - *All About Lyme - Holistic Healing*)

Lots of love,
Nicole

My Lyme Confessions

As I have been sitting here doing some research today, I've come across a lot of things about Lyme and how it makes you feel, especially emotionally. There have been a lot of negative things discussed and how horrible it is, debilitating, etc. And yes, this is absolutely true. This disease can be VERY debilitating.

My goal when I started this blog and my FB Group was to give people hope and to help them. I want there to be more love and positive outlooks on life especially when suffering from chronic diseases/illnesses. However, trying to constantly stay positive and help others isn't always easy. I've decided today I want to talk about what it's like for me specifically. What it can be like every day.

My Lyme Confessions

#1 - I truly despise Lyme. I don't know why or how I got it, but I did. Over 20 years ago and wasn't diagnosed until 2011. Seriously one of the most frustrating things ever! I sometimes wonder why it took so long to diagnose me and if I would've been diagnosed sooner, could I be healed by now?

#2 - My emotions get the best of me sometimes. I had to quit my job back in February and I haven't worked since. This was the worst thing ever. I have never had to quit my job due to being ill. There are times when I missed weeks of work, but luckily I was blessed to have such understanding bosses. When it got to this point, I felt like a failure. A huge failure. I felt like my world was slowly caving in. I couldn't be this super independent person and do whatever I wanted to anymore. I moved away from my family and part of me felt like I needed them. I was engaged at this time and thinking about getting married and planning it made me sick to my stomach. I would think to myself, "why would all this happen now?" "why?" It didn't make sense to me and I would get so upset and angry. I could feel my confidence, positive attitude, faith, hope, strength, everything start to dwindle. I became really hard on myself. Because I physically was not able to do pretty much anything at all, even take a simple shower or bath, I doubted everything about myself. Including my love for myself.

#3 - I felt inadequate to get married. In the past, I always wanted to marry an amazing man and start a family. However, when I would have my flare ups or feel super ill while dating someone, I told myself, "I can't let this become somebody else's burden.I would feel horrible if they had to deal with this." So deep down, I probably sabotaged my relationships. (Which I'm completely okay with now). I  didn't know how in the heck I was going to feel good enough to go to the Temple and be sealed to my sweetheart if I couldn't even get out of bed most days. I didn't know how I was going to be a good enough wife. I felt so undeserving of my fiance (at the time). I wanted to be the best fiance and the best wife ever. I just doubted everything about this and constantly feared it wouldn't work.

#4 - I began to love myself less. Lyme messes your brain up big time. Your thoughts become so mixed/messed up sometimes. Because of all these things I had to give up or quit in my life, I felt no good. No good for anything besides keeping my bed warm. Before my last flare up or episode, I felt like I could conquer the world. I had been working so hard on loving myself and everyone around me. I had been doing a lot of energy work, going to the temple, praying, reading, meditating, etc. I felt good even on days I felt bad. But this all changed. It hit me harder than it's ever hit me in my life and I wasn't mentally prepared for any of this. I started having unhealthy thoughts about myself.

#5 - I felt so alone. I sat home alone all day and still do. Monday through Friday. And let me tell you, it's probably one of the hardest things to deal with some days. Like the last week. I have been feeling so sick and all I've been doing is laying on my couch, watching TV. Hardly moving all day long. It really gets to a person. I've cried A LOT. I want to just go lay out by the pool or go lay outside, be somewhere else, have my mom here, etc. But I don't. My legs have been in so much pain, my back hurts, I have pressure in my head, upset stomach, sore neck, etc. Being alone all day really is no fun after a while. And I'm going on 6 months now.. What I would give to be zoning every day or working again.

#6 - I miss being social. I love people! I love meeting new people. I enjoy being around others who make me laugh or make things feel better. I was attending church almost every Sunday before now. I was attending the temple almost weekly. I would go on dates, go out to dinners, movies, parties, etc. I've kissed that goodbye.

#7 - I miss food. Holy cow!! I cannot tell you how hard it is not being able to enjoy what you like. It sounds silly to some, but food is something I love! Why does it have to be so bad?? Why can't I enjoy a splurge now and then?? If I do, I'm sick for who knows how long and it takes days, sometimes weeks to recover from something as small as a cookie or brownie. My digestive system has gone through so much and with Lyme, you have to be SOO careful on your diet.

#8 - I miss my old self. I use to be so active. Constantly working out, being active outdoors, having lots of energy, etc. The thought of working out makes me sick now. When you have to change your life completely, it hurts. It really does. I don't care what people say, it's not easy.

#9 - I really want a family someday. The thought of becoming a parent scares me. Lyme can be passed through to the children and yes, it scares me. I am constantly worrying about if I will be able to even have children due to everything. And if I do, how am I going to take care of them by myself while my husband is at work?? All these thoughts almost constantly run through my mind. I want to be a great mom. I want to enjoy having a family. I don't want my children to get this disease from me.

So, these are some of my confessions. Lyme is not easy and never will be. As I was writing my confessions, I started crying the second I began #1. It is hard, really, really hard sometimes. And I know there are many people out there who suffer just like I do and have. I know there are some people who struggle more too. While it is still so important to have a good, positive attitude, we are still human. We have feelings and we have times where we aren't strong. And that is OKAY. Without having these feelings, we wouldn't realize how wonderful life is during the times we do feel okay or feel great. We'd have nothing to compare it to and we wouldn't know what gratitude truly meant. Even though I have these feelings, does not mean I don't believe I can be healed and doesn't mean that I am going to give up. And here are my reasons why.

Confessions to my confessions

#1 - I really do truly despise Lyme. However, I know this is part of the plan for ME here on this earth. I also know that these trials are for other people and not just me.

#2 - My emotions really do get the best of me. I know I had to quit my job and I felt like a failure in life. However, at the time I was engaged to an incredible man. Seriously, I have no idea what I would have ever done without him in my life. Ever. He has been the biggest blessing and I thank my Heavenly Father every single day for him and all that he has done and all that he still does. He made everything okay. Without his love and support, I couldn't have done it. I tell him how much I love him constantly and I can never describe in words the love I have for him. My heart is so full of gratitude to him and to my Heavenly Father for bringing him in my life.

#3 - I may have felt inadequate to get married, but I got married :) Those feelings are normal for anyone who deals with Lyme or anything like it. When we can't be 100%, we don't love ourselves 100%. We are way too hard on ourselves. No matter how sick we are, we still have to love ourselves. And please don't forget that! Life is about learning and loving. We have to remember that through trials, we are learning things constantly, whether we recognize it at the time or not. I know for me, as I look back now, I have learned so much! And I know I will never be the same person I was before, because in learning, I've grown. My husband has helped me along the way too. He's the one person I can tell everything too and cry my eyes out and he can still comfort me and make me feel better. Him knowing my feelings and thoughts have been super important. I used to just hold most my feelings in, but he has helped me to become more open about how I'm feeling. He wants to hear how I'm really feeling, whether it's good or bad. He loves me and cares about me just as much as I love and care about him.

#4 - I am working on loving myself more. I try not to be so hard on myself or always think it's because of me or this illness. Loving yourself more means others love you more.

#5 - I still feel alone. On days where I can't do much and just sit or lay here, my mind does slightly wonder and I get super lonely. Even though I feel like I'm alone and it gets depressing, I know I'm really not alone and I will pray to my Father in Heaven. And I still have something to look forward to... My husband coming home. All day I sit here trying to keep my mind of things and keep busy somehow, but nothing will ever compare to that feeling when my husband walks through the door. The second he gets home I feel safe and so loved. I still get butterflies when I see him. I am so thankful for every second I get to spend with him. No matter how much I tell him this, he will never understand how he truly makes me feel or the amount of gratitude I have for him and all that he does for me.

#6 - I miss attending church every Sunday and going to the temple often. Again, not being able to go all the time only makes me more grateful for when I do get to go. And I know one day I will be able to become the social little butterfly I used to be ;)

#7 - Food. Seriously.. I'm craving bad food as I type this. One day I know I will be able to enjoy more food. One day.

#8 - I know I may never get back to my "old" self, but I will have a "new" self. And  I will enjoy all the activities I used to and then some.

#9 - Having a family.... Still a tender subject. I've always wanted nothing more than to be a stay at home mom and raise a beautiful, healthy family. Here is what I have concluded.. If I do get to have children, I will be forever grateful and if for some reason the Lyme is passed on, I've learned so much that I will be able to help treat and cure it. If having children myself isn't an option, other options are available. Though I still have some fears about becoming a mom, regardless how it happens, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that I am a true daughter of God and that I have a define plan and purpose on this earth. I know with all my heart. I trust in the Lord and I know that He trusts me and He knows me best, so I'm ready for whatever plan is in store for me.

I apologize this post was so long, but I felt inspired to share these with you. These are very personal things and although some things I don't want to share, it felt good to talk about it and be reminded of blessings that come from trials. Thanks for reading and following my blog!

~Nicole~