More like a short novel, not a post... :)

LDS General Conference. What an amazing way to start the weekend. Conference today was amazing! I seriously love conference so much! I am so grateful for technology to allow those who are not able to actually be there, still be able to watch it and to feel thy spirit. I always feel uplifted after such great talks.

I was going to continue from my post last night, but I felt deeply inspired to do something a little different tonight.

Before I started watching conference today, I had typed a list of questions that I had. Thanks to one of my amazing friend's, Melissa, she text me this morning and asked if I had them ready. She came over the other day for her weekly visit and told me that her Bishop had prompted her to write down specific questions for conference. And she will find her answers. When she had mentioned the idea to me, I thought I should do the same. I felt like at this point in my life, I actually felt like I had some unanswered questions. Maybe not necessarily questions, but I guess I was looking more for comfort and peace.

So I had my list of questions on my laptop and as each speaker gave their talk, I typed everything that stuck out to me. I was determined to find this comfort and peace. And some answers. As each talk was given, I was finding more words of comfort, but the one the stuck out the most, was of course faith.

Faith. Something that has been tried in my life countless times that last few months. No matter how hard I told myself, "faith conquers fear", it didn't work. Nothing would work. Or seemed to work. No matter how much I read my scriptures, I felt empty. I would feel hopeless at times. Every night when I kneeled down to pray, I cried. There would be nights where I could cry so much it was hard to stop. At this point, I was begging for answers, for help, for peace, for comfort and for faith.

As you all know from my first post, I mentioned I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. I had been feeling better in most of 2012 and 2013. Back in December of 2013, just a few months after starting my new job at DownEast, I had become very ill. I was at work one day, feeling pretty good. I had walked to the bank, then to Mrs. Fields to get my employees and me a drink. As I was walking back to my store, I suddenly became very faint. My vision was fading, my heart was racing and for a second I wasn't sure where I was. I tried to stay calm and find a place to sit. There wasn't anything nearby so I went right up next to the wall and collapsed. I was praying I'd be fine. I reached in my purse and grabbed some essential oils I had on there and rubbed it all over my chest and some on the back of my neck. It quickly made me gain my focus back and calmed me down a little. As I started walking back to work, I was shaking so bad and felt so sick. I went to the back and sat down at my desk. I knew I needed to go see a Dr. right away. I contacted my roommate, who's a nurse, and she came to pick me up. She said I looked awful.

The Dr.'s at the ER and Urgent Cares couldn't figure things out. I decided to go to Idaho and see my Dr.'s there. I was staying with my mom and she came with me to my appointments. I was experiencing this weird pressure in my head that I just couldn't handle, extreme fatigue and many other symptoms. One Dr. wanted me to get a CT scan of my head so they could make sure there wasn't a tumor or anything like that. I ended up back in the hospital and they gave me a bunch of injections in my head and neck and done a CT Scan. They didn't find anything. The Dr. there was amazing though. We started talking and it said I had adrenal insufficiency. I have struggled with adrenal issues for years, so it made sense to me. He gave me some medicine and said I should start seeing a difference in a few days. I started the meds. They made me sick. I didn't feel good about taking them.

So, my mom and I went to another Dr. within a few days. We quickly learned that I had multiple viruses, bacteria’s and many other things that would clearly make a person feel ill. For that scan, a body's stress number should be around 2-3. Mine was a 26. And that's exactly what it felt like.

I was also seeing another Dr. who had me to a different kind of blood test. While going over my results, we found that my adrenals weren't failing, but they were heading that direction. We found that I was insulin resistant, my cortisol levels were very high, my thyroid levels weren't in the normal range and the inflammation levels were extremely high. I was like, good grief... Why can't my body just be normal and healthy and happy?? But I felt some relief because we were mostly doing this test to see if I had MS. I said to the Dr., "So I'm out of clear for MS then?" She told me, "Well, not exactly." She said that one of the tests showed one of my levels for my demyelination or myelin (I can't remember the word she said), was not normal. She said that looking over everything, it appeared that my body was in the beginning stages of MS. After we finished talking, I just felt so upset. And a little bitter. I just didn't understand why this was happening.

After staying with my mom for a month and many Dr. visits, it was time for me to go back to Utah and get back to work soon. I hated missing work and I felt like I was letting everyone down, because I was the manager. I got back to Utah and stayed with my fiancé and his sister and roommate for a bit because I couldn't exactly take care of myself. I could barely get out of bed. I continued taking my medicine and slowly started feeling better. I was going back to work and things were going okay. I thought this was great and I'd be back to my old self in no time.

I could only work 20-25 hours a week to start off with because my body couldn't handle it. The first couple weeks went by and I decided to start working more. Well, I started getting bad pressure in my head again and just couldn't get it to go away. I went back to the Dr. in Idaho for a follow up, had another test done, and sure enough.. The Lyme was back. The main bacteria of Lyme is called Borrelia. The guy told my mom and I that it is one of the hardest bacteria's to kill. They referred me to this amazing Dr. in Mexico. They said they know it would help. I left the office with more medicine to help fight off this crap.

I went back to Utah, started work again, and then it hit. It hit really hard. I couldn't even drive to work because of the pressure in my head and my heart. I was constantly feeling like passing out, I couldn't eat anything and had already lost nearly 10 pounds within a month. Some days were okay, others not so much.

I ended up back in the ER on the night Simon and I had our engagement pictures done because of my heart. This occurred more than once. They finally had me where a monitor for a month. I had become so sick I had to quit my job. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Nobody like's quitting. And knowing you have to when you don't have control over the situation, is even harder. I had to keep telling myself everything happens for a reason and I'd get better soon.

It is now April... and every day is a challenge for me. We've been to the hospital and Dr. multiple times. We have now found a new Dr. in Utah that we just started working with so I don't have to constantly go to Idaho. I sit home alone every day. Most days I can get out of bed and get some things done around the house, but some days I can't. It's just too much. I've lost over 20 pounds, all energy and most my enthusiasm. The last couple weeks have probably been the hardest so far. This is why the conference talk on faith hit home for me.

I have received priesthood blessings, I have many people praying for me, I've had my name in the temple numerous times. I have developed such fear from everything. Nothing I wanted to ever admit, but I feel like I need to. I've had fear of eating, walking to my mailbox, taking the trash out, going to the store with Simon, or going anywhere for that matter. I have been so terrified from all my experiences and the recent heart issues that have developed, that it has made me so scared to do anything. Don't get me wrong, most of the time I don't do anything is because I physically can't. But because of that, it has become a huge emotional thing for me too.

I know I wrote a lot tonight, but I truly felt like I needed to. I obviously didn't give every single detail of what goes on, but I gave some. And this is why I started this blog. I needed something a little therapeutic for me, but also something that could be therapeutic for someone else. I know life is not always easy. And I know there are times when we feel abandoned, alone, bitter, angry, hurt, frustrated or upset. But after my last visit to the hospital this week, I realized something. Faith is everything. The last trip to the hospital helped me to see things more clearly. I had been praying so hard for something to help me, guide me, comfort me, etc. We learned that I had developed a very irregular heartbeat now. The night before we went there, I was sure I wasn't going to make it. But I did. And after a lot of scripture study, ensign reading, and conference today, my eyes have been open even more. I have learned that blessings and prayers mean nothing without faith. I know that Heavenly Father hears us. I know that He loves us unconditionally. And I know that even though there are huge trials that people have to go through in life, it is ALL for a reason. It's all a part of the divine plan. And one thing I am extremely grateful for aside from the gospel, the divine plan, etc., is my fiance, Simon. I truly don't know what I would do without him and I couldn't have found a better future spouse. He is there for me 24/7 and takes such good care of me. He always tells me that one day I will be able to return the favor, like when I'm all better and he gets a cold. :) He really is the best and one of my biggest blessings in life. He's my best friend, my biggest supporter and my true love. He can always make me smile, even when I cry and reminds me to be positive and stay strong.

One of the articles I read the other night discussed how the trials that we have in life are just purifying us for what the Lord has in store for us. I couldn't find this more true. I have begged in my prayers for the Lord to help me understand, to take away these ailments of my body and to help me feel better. I may have not been healed over night, or in a few days, but I know that as long as I continue to have faith, be strong and confide in Him, everything will be okay. Every day may not be easy for me, or for some of you, but with Him by my side, I can have peace and comfort.

I apologize this post was so long! I don't know why, but I just felt strongly about writing all of this. I hope you all find comfort when you need it and remember that you are never alone :)

Have a lovely night!!